This Is the Way

Sneaking in a diary while I’m stuck at iHop.

Yesterday was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. And now there’s a little more waiting. And decisions to be made.

I’m really more of a talker when it comes to fast happy things. I can write the less positive emotions all day long; and maybe will. But would rather talk. Specifically on the phone. Specifically with T.

I have lots of good memories with the camera pulled out. Early 20s me on the phone talking for hours with him. Walking through Fry’s in northern Arizona just talking. I forget about what. Everything. Sitting on my kitchen counter back when I lived alone, on the phone. (Three hour time difference depending - because Arizona doesn’t do daylight savings!) I miss that man.

Anyway, my interview… I think went well? I hate to say that for sure. My whole deal is trying to find genuine connection and trying to be present (otherwise my brain is a squirrelly mess) and it’s kind of hard to pitch myself in 20 minutes, really.

The problem being that once you hit your mid-30s SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. My short bio is really fucking long at this point. Nobody asked me to describe myself in three words. Goats dance kids? Maybe? Goats glitter galactose? Something. 

Leels got into Fancy Optional School Lottery and also the Chinese school I’d originally wanted before her wiggles turned into big wiggles and indicatory. I’m torn. I thought it would be clearer. But that is always The Way.

Still waiting on James’s grubhub order. 

Hm. Okay. Well, here’s what I would say after all the how are you’s and catch-up on his life:

“Oh. My. Gawdess. Maybe this could…actually happen for me? Everybody seems really welcoming and happy to see me and they let me sit through an entire admitted student day and I just fucking LOVE THIS PROGRAM SO MUCH! Don’t get me wrong - I know it’s a cult. But they just want money upfront like all graduate programs and it might actually get me a job at the end of it and I’ll be learning actual real things? I also feel like I need to squish down the excitement because it feels dangerous and weird. Too close to fight or flight, maybe?”

…like that.