Big T, Little Ired

 If I could be around my parents more I probably would be. But every little feeling they have is amplified and shunted at me. Everything feels so big.

They do their best to keep it in. But the thing about being homeschooled and homechurched is that the ecosystem is soldered in place. I'll probably never have a semipermeable membrane in place that will filter out their feelings.

Maybe therapists would say set. Some. Boundaries. They're there. They're being respected. It's like everything else in my life, though. I feel the feelings. I feel your feelings! Wow. Those are big feelings! And sometimes I have big feelings in reaction to those feelings. And sometimes I don't know what you should do with those feelings! Or how to move them through my body either!

One reason I felt drawn to early childhood is because those feelings (that I know are there anyway) are right there on the surface. I don't have to know those feelings are there...but experience the disconnect of a person presenting in a different way. Still guessing at the causes, but I'm pretty good at that 11 years in.

The problem with some of the behavior reports we have to do at work is as far as what constitutes a report. Sometimes it is described as "if you don't know what could be causing the behavior" or "it seems excessive". I can give you between one and five possible causes for almost any behavior. And excessive is subjective. Is it excessive if the kid probably has ADHD and autism and sensitivities to environmental stimulus and kind of needs a one-on-one caregiver 100% of the time in order to function well (which is something we can't reasonably give them in a classroom this size) and melts down screaming if someone brushes their body as walking by? I mean, no? The problem is the environment, my guy. 

And I am fucking exhausted by how much resistance I get from administration about fucking any changes or accomodations. I probably need to think about it in a different way. Just like the therapists do. You focus on the kids who most need interventions and document the shit out of it, right?

*sigh* Okay. Try again.

"Your cheer is such a pleasure
Your tears are like the weather
They're never meant to last." - Shivaree