We Could Just Blame It On the Hormones, I Suppose

In therapy on Wednesday we did some processing around the traumas of college. I had lots of meltdowns. Like, lots. 

We were talking about a time when I was freaking out, man, living off-campus in the little apartments off Carlton (?). Must have been Junior year. But I was just feeling so fucking overwhelmed, and ugly-cried for 25 minutes about...what? I don't even know. Classes. Everything. I had the best grades that year. Also Hurricane Katrina happened. But I remember crying, feeling all the energy leave my body, going upstairs to Jeremiahmaeda's apartment landing (but why, tho'?) and smoking a cigar.

And just.... Fuck. So stressful. Shoop was there, comforting me. That poor kid. Both of us.

Anyway. Stress management was so not a thing back then. 

🎉🎉🎉

 I got iiiiiiiiin!

Securitas

 I think what I want more than anything else right now is security. Or - mostly security. Nothing like being so stressed and panicked so that you forget your car payment…. It would be so nice to not even have one. To be able to afford all the preventative care one should do.

Hard to be in my body today.

The state of the house triggering meltdowns. And not really being able to do anything about it. 2 hours of studying and Ope time for bed. 

- choreo

- 2 scripts

- one inventory

- lymphatic system

- PACK

All things go all things go.

Sliding Scale

 I just want to write something. Probably nothing good.

This weekend’s going to be shot from the get-go, so whatever happens won’t be then!

S has glasses home show in Palmer this weekend and wants us to come support. My soul is doing that thing it does where it 1. Recoils 2. Starts reminiscing about goat shows from childhood 3. Considers being trapped in Palmer for a day that 💯 will involve taking care of Leels somewhere with lots of hazards, nil kid friendly stuff, and a bunch of people I have to mask normal around (but I guess that’s everywhere always really), and 4. Will get NO homework done as a result. 

I’m a goddamn delight of a spouse! Hmph. 

24 hours later update: it’s fine, of course. We’ve mostly been out and about - not on the trade show floor all that much. And almost everyone’s been lovely. Being in Palmer is like sitting on the mountains’ laps.

Life…uh…finds a way. 🏔️

Never Knew Aboot

 I played a kahoot for the first time in my life yesterday. Way to be old, me!

It’s finally sunny here. A basketball has been lodged in our front yard for the season and is nearly all melted out. There’s fresh moose poop and the sled stuck in all the snow from on top of the house is starting to peek out. The gulls have returned from wherever they go in the Winter. 

Lots of tears today from all quadrants; comes with Spring like the opening strings of Rite of Spring.

List of things that need to get done and podcasts to pair with them:

- make money: “Sounds Like a Cult”; I’m interested to see them take on the topics of dance, homeschooling, and academia at some point.

- reset/clean the garbage disposal: “Bananas”; if I’m going to be doing something gross, I want to keep it light.

- do the floors in the kitchen: “My Favorite Murder” if I’m doing it alone, “Hidden Brain” if with my dad.

- clean the upstairs bathroom: sub audiobook because it somehow takes up to five times as long as the downstairs one despite having comparable square footage. This week it’s Romancing Mr. Bridgerton. No - YOU’RE cringe!

I’m no soothsayer

 I hope this is the right choice. I’m mourning the path I didn’t take. They were two really great options though. 

This Is the Way

Sneaking in a diary while I’m stuck at iHop.

Yesterday was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. And now there’s a little more waiting. And decisions to be made.

I’m really more of a talker when it comes to fast happy things. I can write the less positive emotions all day long; and maybe will. But would rather talk. Specifically on the phone. Specifically with T.

I have lots of good memories with the camera pulled out. Early 20s me on the phone talking for hours with him. Walking through Fry’s in northern Arizona just talking. I forget about what. Everything. Sitting on my kitchen counter back when I lived alone, on the phone. (Three hour time difference depending - because Arizona doesn’t do daylight savings!) I miss that man.

Anyway, my interview… I think went well? I hate to say that for sure. My whole deal is trying to find genuine connection and trying to be present (otherwise my brain is a squirrelly mess) and it’s kind of hard to pitch myself in 20 minutes, really.

The problem being that once you hit your mid-30s SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. My short bio is really fucking long at this point. Nobody asked me to describe myself in three words. Goats dance kids? Maybe? Goats glitter galactose? Something. 

Leels got into Fancy Optional School Lottery and also the Chinese school I’d originally wanted before her wiggles turned into big wiggles and indicatory. I’m torn. I thought it would be clearer. But that is always The Way.

Still waiting on James’s grubhub order. 

Hm. Okay. Well, here’s what I would say after all the how are you’s and catch-up on his life:

“Oh. My. Gawdess. Maybe this could…actually happen for me? Everybody seems really welcoming and happy to see me and they let me sit through an entire admitted student day and I just fucking LOVE THIS PROGRAM SO MUCH! Don’t get me wrong - I know it’s a cult. But they just want money upfront like all graduate programs and it might actually get me a job at the end of it and I’ll be learning actual real things? I also feel like I need to squish down the excitement because it feels dangerous and weird. Too close to fight or flight, maybe?”

…like that.

Hx is for Histology, Fx for Function, Tx for Tissues - well, you get it.

 Speaking of waiting.... 

I'm waiting outside the PELL Room waiting for a turn with it to take an exam. The room I was going to use was supposed to be empty all day but one of my coworkers is using it for a meeting. She never does that! 

So I'm going to take it as a sign to a) study more but b) also take a breath and write it out for a few minutes because ah bin running today. I like Anatomy and Physiology mostly. I really do! The disorders especially are interesting (what can I say? Fatal attraction to drama.). But for whatever reason I don't focus on The Right Things.

And I'll be honest - I'm really sketch on how countercurrent exchange and multiplication work. For me to get an A in this class would be a full-time job. Full stop. *sigh* 

Anyway. How's everything else going? Um. Fast. Things are going very quickly.

That interview I'm excited about got bumped up to Friday afternoon. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. In a good way! Fuck! But also, my thoughts aren't clear at the best of times. Plus, what did I even write about in my essay? It's only a thirty minute interview! How do I clearly state anything? Wish me luck.

Hurry up and wait

 I got an interview! … and it got bumped up to Friday. Of this week (potentially).  Eeek! Scared. And excited! 

Big T, Little Ired

 If I could be around my parents more I probably would be. But every little feeling they have is amplified and shunted at me. Everything feels so big.

They do their best to keep it in. But the thing about being homeschooled and homechurched is that the ecosystem is soldered in place. I'll probably never have a semipermeable membrane in place that will filter out their feelings.

Maybe therapists would say set. Some. Boundaries. They're there. They're being respected. It's like everything else in my life, though. I feel the feelings. I feel your feelings! Wow. Those are big feelings! And sometimes I have big feelings in reaction to those feelings. And sometimes I don't know what you should do with those feelings! Or how to move them through my body either!

One reason I felt drawn to early childhood is because those feelings (that I know are there anyway) are right there on the surface. I don't have to know those feelings are there...but experience the disconnect of a person presenting in a different way. Still guessing at the causes, but I'm pretty good at that 11 years in.

The problem with some of the behavior reports we have to do at work is as far as what constitutes a report. Sometimes it is described as "if you don't know what could be causing the behavior" or "it seems excessive". I can give you between one and five possible causes for almost any behavior. And excessive is subjective. Is it excessive if the kid probably has ADHD and autism and sensitivities to environmental stimulus and kind of needs a one-on-one caregiver 100% of the time in order to function well (which is something we can't reasonably give them in a classroom this size) and melts down screaming if someone brushes their body as walking by? I mean, no? The problem is the environment, my guy. 

And I am fucking exhausted by how much resistance I get from administration about fucking any changes or accomodations. I probably need to think about it in a different way. Just like the therapists do. You focus on the kids who most need interventions and document the shit out of it, right?

*sigh* Okay. Try again.

"Your cheer is such a pleasure
Your tears are like the weather
They're never meant to last." - Shivaree