thursday

Sometimes (often) I get so caught up in the people, activities, events that surround me I forget that these people, things don't make me...well...me.  Hell, they don't even pay me.  They affirm me plenty, but I'm of the mind that I need to affirm myself to be psychologically well, etc.  So it's nice, but not essential.

• Clara, you are worrying about things that haven't happened yet.  Yes, they probably will.  But they haven't yet.  And when they do you will be equal to dealing with them.  It's okay.
• How people treat and view me reflects on them.  Not me.  Duh, right?
• I want to help you, but I don't want to machete my way through your insecurities.  I'm not your fucking girlfriend.  And I dare guess that we're wired the same in a lot of ways.  Which means there's probably no way to "win" at the game of you.  At least not and keep my own sanity.  At least not yet.
• I can take a hint; it's one of the things I like about myself.
• Can't remember why I'm doing this in the first place.  Body control, yes?  A lifelong pursuit.
• I'm performing so that I can do the other things.  Still waiting on the other things.

I'm not just a dancer.  In fact, I feel like I'm barely a dancer.  Barely a performer.  Liken my life to come as a simile: the college professors who think you are doing nothing with your life besides taking their class.  Too bad, so sadly not the case.

"And if I loved you Wednesday,   
Well, what is that to you?
I do not love you Thursday—    So much is true.

And why you come complaining   
Is more than I can see.
I loved you Wednesday,—yes—but what   
Is that to me?"

Edna St. Vincent-Millay