Back to you, Morbo.

Updates:

It's roughly two weeks later and we've been to one counseling session. Something we had been doing is writing a (brief) letter to each other once a day and responding to what the other one says (kind of; S's letters don't tend to invite response really, and some of mine don't either). The counselor affirmed that this was something we should keep doing, and I have been. I think I've gotten maybe...two letters? In the week since whereas before it had been every day? So I feel ways about that. Maybe I shouldn't. But I do.

So. What's been going on? Oh, studying. Processing all the bullshit of the previous two weeks. I am still angry about said bullshit, and do not feel feelings like trust or security, but am fine and do feel like this is pretty on-brand not only for my relationship with S (under the circumstances) but my life writ large. Something sort of similar happened with Sc, and so far the trajectory has been similar as well. Unsure what lesson life's trying to teach me. Is it just karmic? Any other suggestions? Am open to suggestions.

I did do a mental health intake at a local place that does a discount for paying in full at the time of the appointment which is the best that I can do. And the person who did my intake was quite witchy and is willing to take me on*, so that's nice.

L's been having a time. She's asking for therapy again because she has big feelings and S continues to stonewall on this. I'm sure not all therapists demand that both parents agree to therapy, but with the lack of insurance or job I feel kind of powerless right now so that's going to have to be a "reexamine in the Fall" item. My feeling is if she's self-aware enough to ask for therapy and explain why (to me, at least; she has a harder time articulating this to S - which isn't surprising all things considered) it doesn't hurt anything to at least take a look-see. A little gander if you will. But S is of the mind that unless things are extremely acute there's no point in pursuing it. Okay? If we're there it's already too late an ounce of prevention, my guy. I do feel like if I push too hard explicitly he's going to stonewall even harder. OT addresses some mental health stuff and she's able to avail herself of the school counselor, so hopefully that will be enough until S has his "Come to Talos" moment whenever that is.****

Ooooootherwise, SSRIs are coming in clutch, and I'm spending as much time as possible studying for my test (on Monday. Eek.) and trying to figure out how the hell I want to show up in my roles and general life.

Good things:

1. Going on a "foraging" hike with L & H with some of S's friends from AA - except I guess they're edging towards becoming more like our/my friends due to general witchiness and so forth. We found white flowers that smell amazing, sage, dandelions, and spruce tips all of which have uses, none of which I knew about before. I am a lame witch in that regard. 
2. Have been cleared to exercise and have gone on two sorta runs with S since the clearance. He wants to work out with me, but I imagine that won't happen before my gym membership kicks back in in July**
3. Have started going to an Al-Anon meeting and this will be overall good, I feel. I need to process and heal and therapy and Al-Anon are probably the ways to go for this. Evidently there are 12 steps for Al-Anon too, but I'm not that far in the book yet. I've been reading a little bit each night before bed and keep having to stop and go, "Dammit. Yes. GODDAMMIT."*** Evidently there's an experiental fork in the road where one way people go into hyper-fixit mode and the other way people shut the fuck down and become attuned to all the things that are and could go wrong and feel powerless about it and anyway to no-one's great surprise I did the second thing.
4. Ma has been coming over once a week for the past 4 weeks at first to help clean/hold the baby and then study and that has been lovely. She's really showed up for me in ways that I want to remember forever and wish I knew how to pay back or show the depth of my gratitude for.
5. Volunteering for Juneteenth and Pride at my church's booth has been...not terrible! I definitely hit my wall around a certain time, but it's more fun than it was last year. Going to church events has been a little easier too. Win!
6. H is gaining weight (I think), and drinking formula when she needs to. More win! Much in the way of win.

Okay, time to be constructive again. Bye.

*TAKE ON MEEEEEE

**Jesus, Clara why so negative? Well, I'm a Virgo Finn/Dutch/Estonian/Swiss/Scots heritage person (among other things, but those are the stereotypically practical bits) who is almost 40 so forgive if I'm a pragmatic motherfucker. Or hey - don't!

***AA steps for reference if anyone wants that.

****There's also this jazz in the meantime.