Extraction Eve

A lot of different feelings are sloshing around my insides. My brain. My body. This extraction eve.

I am tired of the questions. How are you feeling*? Sad. Tired but my body and brain won't let me really rest. Angry. Somewhat hopeful. Not excited. Not joyous. Not happy. Aren't you excited to hold your baby in your arms? Yes. And I know it will be hard. And I'm going to miss the one-on-one time with L something fierce.

What with S being out of town for the past two weeks and in and out of the house frequently since he got back into town (I personally saw him for a total of about 2 nonconsecutive hours yesterday) I hadn't brought up the fact that, yes, I was still planning on going to Omaha. He took it better than expected - however, he's not going. Oh, and he doesn't want L to go either. 

I'm pretty fucking sad about this because Jesus fucking Christ. I don't often have strong feelings about Doing Things (at least, I don't think so) so when I do it's fucking important to me. And I've been talking about this for ages as a family vacation! So fun! We're going to stay at a hotel and go do fun big city things and the zoo and as of last night (less than 48 hours prior to surgery) all of that has been completely recalibrated. And I don't think she's realized the changes, because we're supposed to tell her together and tonight she's spending the night at a friend's house to celebrate their birthday.

I guess I'm also pissed because last night was the last opportunity we had to spend together as a family before H is born and S was so upset about the news that I wasn't planning on just not going to graduation because he didn't want to/didn't want me to, that he decided to go to an extra meeting at night that he wasn't going to stay late at but did and so wasn't home until after 9:00 PM.

Just...fuck. I am still going. I am keeping it together-ish. I am crying periodically, but have done all the stupid last-minute coordination shit for a third time. My parents are coming in clutch and have agreed to drive me since among the things you're not supposed to do after a c-section is drive a car. 

I did ask K to come with me if possible (realizing that it's not very possible because people of a certain age have lives and children and shit like that) and she couldn't. And then very reasonably asked if I was sure I wanted to do this which made me irrationally angry because this is another conversation I just keep having over and over again Groundhog Day style and after a certain point it feels like (isn't - but feels like) very few people in my life currently believe I have thought about it and am sure and what the fuck do you hear when I say x activity or thing is important to me? That one song from The Muppets? Christ.

So anyway. To summarize. My parents: saving the day. S: somehow truly believes this is a an example of me not "respecting him" because I want to...do a thing? That is probably not aces, but not totally unreasonable? L: oblivious, but having a difficult year what with all the unpleasant surprises. Which, yes, she got to go to Disneyland, but only after her dad pushed it back by five months. I'm sad for her. No fucking summer camp. No trip to Omaha. And, as of today, because I put S on the spot to plan and execute her birthday party no party like the one she was envisioning. I would be livid.** I: am sad and angry and not surprised and feeling unsupported because of this backlog of S just not supporting much of what I want to do. He's supported some stuff...but reluctantly, honestly, and it has been just like pulling fingernails to do get him at all onboard to with things like buying a house, going to grad school, getting a vasectomy, getting a job where he does not work out of town and, now going to graduation as some sort of final gesture of support after 3+ years of not being very supportive with this at all.

*sigh* In other news, I finally made a C-Section playlist. Here it is.

Okay, that's all. Tomorrow: Star Wars day and the extraction. I'm not ready. It's going to go great.

*Because this is typically (but not always!) in reference to the pregnancy/imminent delivery, not any other part of life.

**But, then, I am still upset about that one time we were supposed to go to a convention in Mississippi with my dad but then didn't for some reason and I had this whole plan where I was going to wear some fancy white shoes and go swimming in a swimming pool and wow the difficulty with change and rigidity of thinking? Those roots run deep.