Not a Good Timeline

Do you remember that cheesy SciFi show from the 90s? Sliders? They'd use a wormhole to travel between parallel universes/timelines trying to make it "home", which I guess would have been Bush's America in the 1990s. Anyway. Do you ever think about switching timelines? How nice it would be to slide from one to the next?

Because this is not a good timeline; Renee Good, Alex Pretti. Oh, and everyone else and everything else that's happening. It is ridiculous that the situation is playing out via True Crime Rules (horrible things happen to people everyday but nobody seems to give two shits until the white parent of three gets killed or the white ICU nurse gets killed). Truly no recourse would ever be enough to make up for all that's happened. And it's hard to feel hopeful. And yet, I hope for safety.

Things that don't matter, but oh well the questions from last time:

• Why are you so afraid of hearing "no"?
• Probably because I feel like it undermines my sense of worth. 
• Even if you feel like you're the only one working on your environment most of the time, what, exactly, is so bad about that?
• Not that much, I guess. The main problem is that I'll never really be able to catch up because even if it were all I did, following the mess around like a human Roomba, (it feels like) nobody else picks up after themselves and it's super-disheartening. This also just doesn't feel like a big problem today. Not with world events being what they are. Until they create sensory overload layered atop the Big Things we're all thinking about.
• Is it time to think seriously about moving somewhere else (this winter has been rough)?
• Yes. More and more and more and more it feels like leaving the country is the only option. It's all very well to talk about staying and trying to organically change systems...but that only works if the systems work. And, at the moment, I'm not so sure there will even be midterm elections, much less elections further out than that.

In the interim I'm just trying furiously to do the things coming at me next and drag my gaze a little further into the future depression or no. Like: apply for graduation (bitter laugh), schedule and attend the c-section class, do the homework, make sure the kid is fed and loved, get sleep, research passports, fold the clothes, bathe, eat a food group every two hours so you don't cry, drag your ass to Costco; schedule the playdates, etc.

Snow is blanketing the city again; coffee is not doing its job; my cat is. Time to fold the aforementioned clothes and start edging my way towards the inpatient psychiatric hospital site. <3