More of the same

Driving in one of my three favorite neighborhoods towards "my" church
(Is it really mine if it feels parasocial?)
I snoop through a window
Living room lights draped with red silk
Just like in To Wong Foo!
Reminds me of the life parts I miss and love
And the places I can't go anymore

I didn't really mean for this
Life
And it feels ungrateful
There are good parts!
But it feels wrong
To travel 3,000 miles and still
Be hiding
Live so close to my parents
Still feel unsafe

Or, at the very least, not worth the communication
I found a book my father left on my living room table while I was napping
No text no explanation
Just 12 Rules For Life

As always, I cried the day after Christmas
My daughter’s the same as me everything so near the surface
“I want it to be Christmas AGAIN” and she cries
The adrenaline dump is real and I don’t have the self-care chops for it right now
I cannot bring myself to tidy today
Or feel the good in much of anything

My parents gave S and me a hundred dollars and a card that says, explicitly, “We love ALL of you!”
Individually, I get a candle that I will use and some slippers that I never will
Never mind that I need shit for the baby

It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay
This is why we hate Christmas, I guess (hate? Hate.)
It is the epitome of playing chicken with limited resources and being enough and doing enough and making magic out of, idk, nothing
And not very well at that
It’s a nightmare for the borderlines, the autists

Is it good for anyone?

I want to take it back to times when it was just a feast
Trade in Thanksgiving for Christmas; we don’t need both
Just roll me up in a corner of a small cottage somewhere quiet
Where the messes are the messes only I make and my organization (such as it is) does not get fucked with ever
How long is this life again? Where does the will to live spring from? Is it still, always, anger?

I cannot consume right now
I want to eat but it’s hard to eat
I like the idea of watching a film but it feels painful to actually do so
reading’s better but not by much

My back hurts (already!) and I am beleaguered by the things I should do should have done accumulating like snow drifts around me

They will eat me alive

And you cannot help me and they cannot help me and my daughter should not even be as aware of the situation as she is

“It’s okay. Sometimes feelings get too big. You know how it is. I’m trying to figure out what my body needs to feel better.”

Her, gesturing at my stomach, “Maybe THAT guy is taking you over.”

…maybe.