While I'm a little too young to really grasp the alleged splendor of "Everyone's Free to Wear Sunscreen", I do wonder if playing it on all channels/streaming services simultaneously might not heal all of Gen X in one fell swoop. Worth a try, I say.
These past two weeks have been fairly productive and I'm feeling hella emo which, of course, means clicking through elderemo.com and guiltily listening to between 1 and 3 Brand New songs. And somehow remixes of that new T Swift Ophelia song have weaseled their way into my subconscious. So that too.
If I could drop money (and felt like risking flying) to go see a concert I'd probably go see Iggy Pop/The Linda Lindas, Martha Wainwright, Patrick Wolf or Chappell Roan. But I just don't see how air traffic controllers can possibly hang in there for that much longer. And Chappell Roan is just too big and expensive now. I should have jumped on that Back In the Day if I ever wanted that to happen.
List format:
- Still tired!
- Finally sick, probably from fieldwork, with a Classic Cold (tm)
- Can't really breathe at night which is a bummer
- All bloodwork came back and it's looking like a girl, which I am kind of relieved about*
- It finally snowed, which may not sound like good news, but it feels like it
- S is still taking L to school in the morning and that's still going well which means I can channel that energy into other things which is Wow So Much Better
- Fieldwork is going...okay? They seem to like me and I'm learning and having fun for the most part? Wewt wewt
- Actually went swimming on Monday
- My friend who is an OB seems to think that I can go to graduation two weeks post-C-section! Should I? Probably not! But will I? ...probably!
- The wheels fell off spooky movie season at the end and I can't even know how to care
- Why am I like this?
- Maybe this is interesting, maybe not, but impulsivity and executive function may be two separate systems if I understand correctly (but who knows) and one system is impulsivity/reactivity and the other is a reflective/deliberative system. Which makes sense...but I never thought of it exactly that way before. Look! An article!
- I've been working on my capstone plan pretty seriously because I thought it was due last Friday. Apparently not! I was an entire month early. Which is good, because I didn't actually get it done by Friday. So...woo?
- When I get hungry it's not really hunger it's more of a...sick feeling? And I never know what I want to eat. It's very much a Bill Hader gif moment.
Early morning phone call on Monday with the scheduling person at the dentist because I neglected to reschedule a dental appointment for L until The Last Minute. I got my debit card out for the reschedule fee and there was...nothing but silence for a good three minutes while I waited for further instructions. I finally said, "Are you still there?"
"Yes."
"...what are the next steps?"
"There's a reschedule fee."
"Oh, okay. ... Are you ready for the card number?"
"Yeah."
🙄
I get that I am in the wrong in this situation (reschedule the damn appointment within the first 10 times you think about it, Clara!), but - damn. I have never experienced the Gen Z Stare over the phone before.
Wild times.
I'm currently at something called OWL, which is a Unitarian lifespan sexuality education class. L is not keen on going, and this is her second session. I stayed in for the first session, which was a hard sell, because I signed her up without her permission (direct quote, but I can't use quotation marks because that just seems sarcastic). Which is valid, but I do think it's important, I don't think I'm going to be able to do it because I am a shell of a person**, I don't think the school district is going to take up the slack here, and I would really rather not my parents or in-laws do it. So here we are!
This week I get to stay out and work on my capstone and blather on here because it was quote embarrassing unquote when I stayed in the room last week and we're headed to The Mall after this, which will hopefully not be too overstimulating for me.
Hm. What else?
It's sunny today. I've started to get a tiny bit of energy back. I still don't want to announce the pregnancy. but I have started compiling a list of things - which is kind of like progress.
Spooky month is over; my goal for November is to laugh. That's it, that's the whole thing.
* TL/DR: I don't think I can really deal with society's machismo right now, and definitely not Society's Machismo That Lives In My Own Family.
Here's the thing: I do, as a matter of fact, like AMAB people (boys). I specifically do pretty well with hyperactive boys and autistic boys. I also have this set of beliefs about Being a Boy that have been shaped by experience and are as likely wrong as right but the upshot of those are things like: "I can never really know what it's like to be another person, but maybe especially not a boy/man." "Being a boy involves a specific type of pressure and set of expectations that vary from culture to culture but which are usually homogenous and super-negatively impact mental/emotional health and oh by the way most cultures don't offer significant emotional/mental health help to boys/men." Which isn't to say that boys/men aren't, culturally speaking, powerful and that raising Good Men(tm) isn't important. It fucking is. And huge thank you's to the men I know who are The Literal Best whether that be through nature, nurture or a combination. But all that to say I don't believe this to be the right time, place, or combination of people (family, extended family) to provide a male child with the stuff he needs to be successful in The Apocalypse. Woof. I don't think I explained that well. Shutting up now.
**Yeah, I don't know. I'm a hundred percent depressed. Possibly in some type of neurodivergent burnout? They make us fill out this little Wellness Wheel in school and mine looks...not that bad, actually...but some important things are missing like friendships and self-care. And what, exactly, is there to do about any of that? I. Am. Stuck. Actually. Things keep coming up that point me in the philosophical direction of "Okay, well, in order to do anything about anything the first step is to take accountability for your role in why you feel the way you do/why your life is the way it is." Which is great and all, but I'm definitely in the pre-contemplation phase. It's hard to string two thoughts together much less have a whole self-examen about autonomy, volition, and phase of life.
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