In which I try, again, to schedule a neuropsych appointment and am told I need a prior authorization rather than just a straight referral (???) and to ask my PCP for one and also can I just ask the PCP to contact the neuropsych directly instead of having me do it? Thanks.
...if I am able to successfully do all that in a timely manner (haha do not worry - if I am, it won't be timely) I may as well turn in my ADHD card. *sigh*
Oh. What's with the title, you may ask? I got a surprise sick day on Monday of last week which was badass. What plans are the best plans? Cancelled plans! Also, I have been sickies for a while, so it's not totally out of pocket. I took a nap and organized and cleaned and worked on capstone some more. Like...uh...a functional human being. Ish. Said nap did not stop me from being exhausted come 9:00 PM, though. Thanks, daylight savings!
Otherwise, it's just been one step in front of another. There have been All About Unitarianism meetings (which have been fun enough - I was definitely correct in calling it "humanist church" all this time), watching Physical: Asia in the downtime, and trying to use the little bit more energy I have to do worthwhile-ish things.
I'm like my OB provider much more this time (she reminds me of an aunt I especially like), and she handed me off some information about perinatal mental health providers who might actually take my insurance (!).
S is headed out of town again on Saturday, and I think I feel okay about it. There's been a little bit of a sea-change lately (not in a bad way), and I think right now is a window to think about my maladaptive coping strategies and consider how or whether I can connect to another person intimately. Because that's always been difficult, but especially so recently. I kind of keep chasing 'round and 'round in my head about why it's justifiable that I have difficulty with connection*, and coming to a stopping point of "And you do need to figure out what practices or circumstances can help you feel more safe in your body and in your life." And, of course, there are the relentless other concerns: society, the future, now two (!) children that I feel solely responsible for, and the declining/potentially declining health of in-laws and parents.
Tonight there's a dinner that I'm supposed to go to for one of my capstone sites tonight where I'll be introduced and probably have to say a little something about what I want to do. And what is that exactly? Design and run groups I guess and explain what occupational therapy is! We'll see how coherent I am. Hopefully it'll be okay. The coordinator person has been forewarned!
*That's been a big theme of all the Unitarian stuff; connection, community...so much so that the pastor was asked by someone else in the class what the Unitarian Universalist stance on sin was and she said it depends on who you ask (no official party line there), but for her sin was cutting off from community. And I don't feel the best about that thought; what about people who are nonverbal? Have a mental health episode where they just aren't able to connect with others? I probably should have asked some followup questions because hopefully she didn't mean that all disconnection from community was sinful and intentional, but I do feel a bit attacked because my god do I struggle with connection and community. I can show up, I can do things, I can try to talk to you all normal, and maybe have some good conversations (hopefully!), I can therapize in the right context, but I cannot really feel connection at this time (in all but a few cases). I have not intentionally gotten together with a friend since my birthday and I do not feel like that counts because parties are high-masking situations for me. And I'm sad about that, but I haven't forced myself. And there are nice glimmers here and there anyway without the planning; conversations with newer friends who are parents of my daughter's friends, being able to see people at work that I enjoy, and that might really be my limit most of the time. I do miss/grieve specific interactions with specific friends, but haven't had a moment to dwell on it or exert free will to change the circumstance. Anyway. Three weeks of fieldwork left. Maybe after that...?
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