What am I going to do with my one wild and precious life? Ummmmmmmm...

1.5-ish weeks of fieldwork left and I'm pretty ready to move along. Mostly, I think, because I have a lot of anxiety about What's Coming Next and things aren't moving as fast as they need to there. Same old things. X only gets back to me once every week which is way too long because I need Y's signature on paperwork as well and they, too, are flaky. Oh and everything needs to be (ideally) done and dusted by the end of the November. Which is next week, which is also Thanksgiving week. Ell oh ell.

However! It's been nice to have a Girls Week with L what with S being out of town for work and all. I've been a bit hyperfocused on trying to keep things clean and this is a lot easier with two people and one cat versus three+ people and one cat. Which is helpful for mental health reasons overall. I'm not sleeping as well as I'd like which is unhelpful for mental health reasons. This, I think, is mostly due to discomfort and I don't feel more exhausted than usual so I guess I'll take it.

The day we dropped S off at the airport we kicked it off with tha gym (which - I'm glad I went to the one I did because it's getting shut down with almost no notice), then Spenard Roadhouse, then the museum. And that's all the things I can do in a day. Three. Just three things. Wish I knew why. But it was...oddly nice to go to Spenard Roadhouse, especially? It was sunny and the tater tots were lit and going to Spenard is a kind of like our Little Seattle/Portland. There was a group of four girls in the booth next to us and they were laughing and talking about romantic entanglements, etc. Just normal 20s stuff. Unboxing little funko pops. You know! In any case, one of the girls facing our way had that one Mary Oliver quote tattooed on her forearm. The one in the title. Nice, but vaguely accusatory. Got me thinking, for sure. Do? Do what I can. Do the next right thing? What I did end up doing was going to the museum and watching L pet a blue-tongued skink.

My educator took two sick days last week which was okay because it added some pizzaz to my schedule. I got to see some different therapists and still treated those of my kids who showed up. I just don't have enough stuff to do outside of actually being at the clinic so I didn't take any home days myself. Why am I not sick? Unclear. Even if I were, I don't get sick days as a student.

There's a huge kerfuffle going on right now about the re-categorization of professional categories as per the Department of Education. Occupational therapy (among many, many others) is no longer considered professional which apparently currently mainly affects the amount of student aid/loans someone can receive. There are two schools of thought and I don't disagree with either: one is that we don't need a doctorate at all and it costs too damn much anyway, universities really need to stop charging out the ass; the other is that this is going to result in fewer people pursuing the professions that got axed because money and that, of course, is going to have negative impacts. And of course of course, the whole system (healthcare and higher ed and the government and your mom jk jk) is broken anyway so kind of 🤷 As per my Facebook feed nursing is especially up-in-arms about this though and, I assume, educators and PAs are too.

So we (L and I) went to an actual party last night. I know! What?! It was a housewarming for someone I hadn't previously seen in over a year. Nothing shocking about that, per se. There are only two sets of friends I see more frequently than that and that only because either our kids are friends (set one) and they are extremely mindful (think: top 3 life priorities) about reaching out to and spending time with all their friends (set two). And it was nice except for that there were about 50 people there and I was extremely confused because I didn't get a chance to talk to the friend at all (kinda got the vibe that they were surprised I came?) and it appeared that the friend was now partnered whereas this something I'd never before known them to be (???) and I only knew two other people at the party. I successfully chatted with a pharma rep I'd never met before and the other two people I knew and otherwise kind of felt panicky and like Oh No, a Party. L had a good time though. She's a party animal.

Typically I think I would dwell on Why Can't I Just Be Normal At a Party, etc. But this time it was a little more like: maybe this just means I'm in a different time of life. I've heard a lot of positive shit about myself in the past 2-3 years from others, but this doesn't typically extend to hang-outs and one-on-one connection or feeling like Part of the Group. Perhaps I just have Big Therapist Energy and that's that. I don't think I'm particularly problematic at this time in my life or abrasive. I don't typically enjoy interjecting myself into conversations beyond what's needed to keep Flow, and I do (with one or two exceptions) find social participation to take up a lot of bandwidth which can result in a deficit that lasts a while. So...maybe it's okay that I'm kind of a hermit? It only seems to feel hurtful when I notice that everyone around me seems able to connect in ways that I am not*.  And honestly it seems difficult to catch anyone at all up on What's Going On. I wonder if part of that is the length of time between hangs. Maybe I should just write letters to all my friends. The 'tism-friendly way! 

As is it's always: What's new with you? 500 million things. And me? Um. I'm still coming to terms with everything you just told me. Ima pick 3 things to tell you, and mystically forget everything else I've ever known, done, or thought in the past 6+ months. 

I know to have a village you have to be a villager, but maybe I should just lean into the inevitability of becoming, essentially, Baba Yaga.

The ice fog came in clutch last night and the trees look magical and the mountains look magical and it's all extremely magical out there. And I imagine this when outside or driving around town.

I finished (sort of) the main quest of Blue Prince and have decided to call it good. Could I play it in theory almost forever? Sure. But the game mechanics annoy me. I use up my patience in other ways and demand a little more of the storyline, if I'm honest. Therefore, I've been replaying Pentiment. It got deleted from the Xbox, so I re-downloaded it from the cloud. You thought I was done, S? The deuce, I say! I have more murderers to accuse! More letters to write! More 16th-century Austrian village in which to experience escapism! I'm considering re-downloading Stardew Valley but I don't especially enjoy the grinding.

Happy Chicken & Waffles Day (Wednesday)! Yes, that's still a thing. You can pry it from my cold, dead hands.

*I was going to explain this more, but you know what? Nope. Not today. Maybe it's delusion, maybe it's a function of trauma, maybe it's autism, maybe it's true. But I'm filing it under d for doesn't fucking matter. Although it could also go under f. As in: fuck-it bucket. Into which I chuck things.

Surprise Sick Day!

In which I try, again, to schedule a neuropsych appointment and am told I need a prior authorization rather than just a straight referral (???) and to ask my PCP for one and also can I just ask the PCP to contact the neuropsych directly instead of having me do it? Thanks.

...if I am able to successfully do all that in a timely manner (haha do not worry - if I am, it won't be timely) I may as well turn in my ADHD card. *sigh*

Oh. What's with the title, you may ask? I got a surprise sick day on Monday of last week which was badass. What plans are the best plans? Cancelled plans! Also, I have been sickies for a while, so it's not totally out of pocket. I took a nap and organized and cleaned and worked on capstone some more. Like...uh...a functional human being. Ish. Said nap did not stop me from being exhausted come 9:00 PM, though. Thanks, daylight savings!

Otherwise, it's just been one step in front of another. There have been All About Unitarianism meetings (which have been fun enough - I was definitely correct in calling it "humanist church" all this time), watching Physical: Asia in the downtime, and trying to use the little bit more energy I have to do worthwhile-ish things.

I'm like my OB provider much more this time (she reminds me of an aunt I especially like), and she handed me off some information about perinatal mental health providers who might actually take my insurance (!). 

S is headed out of town again on Saturday, and I think I feel okay about it. There's been a little bit of a sea-change lately (not in a bad way), and I think right now is a window to think about my maladaptive coping strategies and consider how or whether I can connect to another person intimately. Because that's always been difficult, but especially so recently. I kind of keep chasing 'round and 'round in my head about why it's justifiable that I have difficulty with connection*, and coming to a stopping point of "And you do need to figure out what practices or circumstances can help you feel more safe in your body and in your life." And, of course, there are the relentless other concerns: society, the future, now two (!) children that I feel solely responsible for, and the declining/potentially declining health of in-laws and parents. 

Tonight there's a dinner that I'm supposed to go to for one of my capstone sites tonight where I'll be introduced and probably have to say a little something about what I want to do. And what is that exactly? Design and run groups I guess and explain what occupational therapy is! We'll see how coherent I am. Hopefully it'll be okay. The coordinator person has been forewarned! 

*That's been a big theme of all the Unitarian stuff; connection, community...so much so that the pastor was asked by someone else in the class what the Unitarian Universalist stance on sin was and she said it depends on who you ask (no official party line there), but for her sin was cutting off from community. And I don't feel the best about that thought; what about people who are nonverbal? Have a mental health episode where they just aren't able to connect with others? I probably should have asked some followup questions because hopefully she didn't mean that all disconnection from community was sinful and intentional, but I do feel a bit attacked because my god do I struggle with connection and community. I can show up, I can do things, I can try to talk to you all normal, and maybe have some good conversations (hopefully!), I can therapize in the right context, but I cannot really feel connection at this time (in all but a few cases). I have not intentionally gotten together with a friend since my birthday and I do not feel like that counts because parties are high-masking situations for me. And I'm sad about that, but I haven't forced myself. And there are nice glimmers here and there anyway without the planning; conversations with newer friends who are parents of my daughter's friends, being able to see people at work that I enjoy, and that might really be my limit most of the time. I do miss/grieve specific interactions with specific friends, but haven't had a moment to dwell on it or exert free will to change the circumstance. Anyway. Three weeks of fieldwork left. Maybe after that...?

You'll Get It a Day Late or a Month Early - There's Really No In-Between

While I'm a little too young to really grasp the alleged splendor of "Everyone's Free to Wear Sunscreen", I do wonder if playing it on all channels/streaming services simultaneously might not heal all of Gen X in one fell swoop. Worth a try, I say.

These past two weeks have been fairly productive and I'm feeling hella emo which, of course, means clicking through elderemo.com and guiltily listening to between 1 and 3 Brand New songs. And somehow remixes of that new T Swift Ophelia song have weaseled their way into my subconscious. So that too.

If I could drop money (and felt like risking flying) to go see a concert I'd probably go see Iggy Pop/The Linda Lindas, Martha Wainwright, Patrick Wolf or Chappell Roan. But I just don't see how air traffic controllers can possibly hang in there for that much longer. And Chappell Roan is just too big and expensive now. I should have jumped on that Back In the Day if I ever wanted that to happen.

List format:

- Still tired!
- Finally sick, probably from fieldwork, with a Classic Cold (tm)
- Can't really breathe at night which is a bummer
- All bloodwork came back and it's looking like a girl, which I am kind of relieved about*
- It finally snowed, which may not sound like good news, but it feels like it
- S is still taking L to school in the morning and that's still going well which means I can channel that energy into other things which is Wow So Much Better
- Fieldwork is going...okay? They seem to like me and I'm learning and having fun for the most part? Wewt wewt
- Actually went swimming on Monday
- My friend who is an OB seems to think that I can go to graduation two weeks post-C-section! Should I? Probably not! But will I? ...probably!
- The wheels fell off spooky movie season at the end and I can't even know how to care
- Why am I like this?
- Maybe this is interesting, maybe not, but impulsivity and executive function may be two separate systems if I understand correctly (but who knows) and one system is impulsivity/reactivity and the other is a reflective/deliberative system. Which makes sense...but I never thought of it exactly that way before. Look! An article!
- I've been working on my capstone plan pretty seriously because I thought it was due last Friday. Apparently not! I was an entire month early. Which is good, because I didn't actually get it done by Friday. So...woo?
- When I get hungry it's not really hunger it's more of a...sick feeling? And I never know what I want to eat. It's very much a Bill Hader gif moment.

Early morning phone call on Monday with the scheduling person at the dentist because I neglected to reschedule a dental appointment for L until The Last Minute. I got my debit card out for the reschedule fee and there was...nothing but silence for a good three minutes while I waited for further instructions. I finally said, "Are you still there?"
"Yes."
"...what are the next steps?"
"There's a reschedule fee."
"Oh, okay. ... Are you ready for the card number?"
"Yeah."
🙄
I get that I am in the wrong in this situation (reschedule the damn appointment within the first 10 times you think about it, Clara!), but - damn. I have never experienced the Gen Z Stare over the phone before. 

Wild times.

I'm currently at something called OWL, which is a Unitarian lifespan sexuality education class. L is not keen on going, and this is her second session. I stayed in for the first session, which was a hard sell, because I signed her up without her permission (direct quote, but I can't use quotation marks because that just seems sarcastic). Which is valid, but I do think it's important, I don't think I'm going to be able to do it because I am a shell of a person**, I don't think the school district is going to take up the slack here, and I would really rather not my parents or in-laws do it. So here we are!

This week I get to stay out and work on my capstone and blather on here because it was quote embarrassing unquote when I stayed in the room last week and we're headed to The Mall after this, which will hopefully not be too overstimulating for me. 

Hm. What else?

It's sunny today. I've started to get a tiny bit of energy back. I still don't want to announce the pregnancy. but I have started compiling a list of things - which is kind of like progress.

Spooky month is over; my goal for November is to laugh. That's it, that's the whole thing.

*  TL/DR: I don't think I can really deal with society's machismo right now, and definitely not Society's Machismo That Lives In My Own Family.
Here's the thing: I do, as a matter of fact, like AMAB people (boys). I specifically do pretty well with hyperactive boys and autistic boys. I also have this set of beliefs about Being a Boy that have been shaped by experience and are as likely wrong as right but the upshot of those are things like: "I can never really know what it's like to be another person, but maybe especially not a boy/man." "Being a boy involves a specific type of pressure and set of expectations that vary from culture to culture but which are usually homogenous and super-negatively impact mental/emotional health and oh by the way most cultures don't offer significant emotional/mental health help to boys/men." Which isn't to say that boys/men aren't, culturally speaking, powerful and that raising Good Men(tm) isn't important. It fucking is. And huge thank you's to the men I know who are The Literal Best whether that be through nature, nurture or a combination. But all that to say I don't believe this to be the right time, place, or combination of people (family, extended family) to provide a male child with the stuff he needs to be successful in The Apocalypse. Woof. I don't think I explained that well. Shutting up now.

**Yeah, I don't know. I'm a hundred percent depressed. Possibly in some type of neurodivergent burnout? They make us fill out this little Wellness Wheel in school and mine looks...not that bad, actually...but some important things are missing like friendships and self-care. And what, exactly, is there to do about any of that? I. Am. Stuck. Actually. Things keep coming up that point me in the philosophical direction of "Okay, well, in order to do anything about anything the first step is to take accountability for your role in why you feel the way you do/why your life is the way it is." Which is great and all, but I'm definitely in the pre-contemplation phase. It's hard to string two thoughts together much less have a whole self-examen about autonomy, volition, and phase of life.