Mambo No. 5, but With Star Names

From whence this kitchen inspiration? Last weekend S has begun making noises about kitchen renovation. I hate to jinx it, because there is so much stuff that needs to be done around the house and I have 2.5 weeks left before I have ~4 weeks off at which point I should be able to help with stuff. He said "What about an open kitchen?" I'm very much on team open kitchen. See the things so that you know where the things are. "What about dust?" you might say. Good point. I'm not sure. Probably store things rim-down? I'm more worried about earthquakes tbh. I'm also drawn to concrete countertops, but they seem high-maintenance which is a poor fit for My Lifestyle. 

Yesterday I had things laid out so that I could pick up my meds before the first appointment because the pharmacy is open limited hours. Well, despite having run out of meds the day before it wasn't yet ready (I think there's something of a pharmacy/pharmacist crisis) in Anchorage, so I said I'd come get it later in the day. Which is all fine and well - but one cannot take bupropion at night and reasonably expect to sleep and man do I love sleep. So I got home at around 4:30 and it was subsequently like a truck hit me. Only 200 mg caffeine all day, no SDRI, and it was heckin' cozy and rainy outside all day long. Plus I own a weighted blanket (okay, 12 pounds not like...weighted weighted) and I'm not afraid to use it. Cue the weird dreams (vampires! Anna and Elsa from Frozen! The ballet! Communist defectors! A train!). But: back on track today.

This weekend is a touch busy. Saturday: 5.5 documentation guys, yoga, the annual pilgrimage to the Alaska Native Heritage Center, going to Michael's or Mermaid Imports, regular cleaning, making focaccia, and a (grown up) birthday party tonight...oh and L is spending the night at a friend's house. I think I'll ride my bike to the grownup party. It's that close it is. I'm kind of imagining a backpack full of steaming bread, though. But I do love biking in the summer and it's roughly a ten-minute ride away. Hm. Sunday: humanist church, working on a presentation I've decided to call "For All Intensive Purposes: Exploring Intensive Intervention Models With the Pediatric Population in OT"*, and hopefully dragging 3/4 family members to Girdwood Just Because. The last one is a soft maybe. I think I just have this sense of urgency about it because SuMmEr'S aLmOsT oVeR oH nO.

For the sake of clearing out some additional corners of my head:

- It's kind of nice working with someone roughly my age because we can talk about 90s movies and TV shows; she sends me Free Willy memes and Wishbone reels from Facebook! I always forget that almost all of Wishbone is available on YouTube and none of the kids ever want to watch Free Willy with me (cowards!) but I should probably put both of those on the Cozy Nostalgia In a Post-Apocalyptic Hellscape watchlist. Paramount+ has me covered for Salute Your Shorts (hasn't aged well) and Are You Afraid of the Dark (still good!).

- Age seven is magical. Very literal, very great. My favorite quote this week has been (after I've sped into camp to drop her off like a bat out of hell): "Sometimes it's like Geez-Louise mom! Slow down!" 

- Intermittently this week and last week I've felt like a meanie-bo-beanie. By which I mean I've felt like jumping out of my skin and not saying the third thing, and just internally having lil' meltdowns, and no I don't want to hear about your nonprofit. I suppose I should push harder about my perimenopause concerns at my next doctor's appointment. Oh, and followup with that one place about my Neuropsych battery. It's time! If only could remember to send a single, solitary, important email. *sigh* **

- Speaking of nostalgia, I picked up the only copy of Myst: The Book of Atrus present in the state of Alaska. Dang, I listened to this book over and over again on audio cassette. Never finished the game, though. To be fair I was a child of average intelligence, so... 🤷 notwithstanding which I do remember there being a lot of "Wow you're so smart you should be able to do x!" floating around when I was a child which was very anxiety-inducing. So, not having done much of any research, I wonder if that's more of a component of Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) than just being bull-headed. The Accumulation of Expectation. 

- I've been reading different peoples' notes this week and one note mentioned white coat syndrome. But I don't think the blood pressure was measured? It's probably just shorthand for "they can't with people in scrubs or white coats", right? That is pretty good to know in the context of treating that patient. But why are we wearing scrubs in peds home health anyway? Like, I was told no scrubs, business casual. But what does business casual mean, actually? I cannot be doing half the things I do on the floor in a pencil skirt. Well, I technically can, but the other people around probably wouldn't care much for it.

- I've made a car karaoke playlist with actual karaoke tracks from Spotify. It's great for regulation. I just sing while I drive and feel pretty okay when I arrive places. I can't use them with kids in the car because mom singing is tres cringe but have included a couple of songs for L to sing. N just puts his airpods in as a defense measure. Which leads me to my next point:

- I'm not, like, a cool mom - I'm a regular mom!

- It occurs to me that if I ever do go into home health I could be like, "Look, listen, I would like to just go to daycares and preschools and just do that." because that's where I have the most context. I was shadowing someone providing services at the Waldorf school and it was news to them that the curriculum doesn't incorporate electronics and there's a specific protocol for handling conflict, etc. I could see attempting to rejoin the early childhood association board as an OT so I can keep up on current practice and then just specialize in that. Plan solidifying for setting 1/4 (nonsequential).

- I love that there are podcasts just...out there about 90s shareware. Start a small business in space? Why not!

- Went ice skating for an hour this week and didn't die!

Not-dyingly yours,

etc.

*And I love the wordplay but hate that that's not what the saying is it's not oh my god it's not.

**Yes, you're right. I should be doing that instead of this. Ope, but we on this train-track now so

Give Me an Em-Dash or Give Me Death

I've been touchy lately. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's the fact that things are no longer free and breezy now and I know in my lil' heart that even though documentation is getting faster it's going to have to be hella fast come September. Maybe it's that things are winding down with this fieldwork and that, although I'm enjoying myself (and boy do I enjoy counting down things/to things), I find myself reflecting a lot on the thought that I just don't know how to do this.

Be a person. I mean, I do. But it's.... Hm. I'm making judgement calls on what to share about myself left, right, up, and down. And that's okay. I can't insta-share everything all the time. And it makes more sense to me to be lightly improvisatory with my therapeutic use of self. Curate myself a little more? This person doesn't probably want to hear about burlesque, this person doesn't probably want to hear about goats, and this person probably doesn't want to hear about politics. Everybody does this, yes? I just feel weird about it if I think about it too hard.*

But nevertheless I'm doing fine? Like, I chose a profession that is a cool little Venn diagram that mostly has things I'm pretty damn good at in the...uh..overlapping parts. 

Oh well! I'm drowning in adult responsibilities I am ignoring for other adult responsibilities, getting caught in big sits and reading novels that are aggressively mid*** or getting caught up in playdates and last-minute kid parties. Or washing the dishes. Literally ran out of spoons yesterday. Did you know it's possible for a tween to live on cinnamon toast crunch and ramen alone? Speaking of tweens...

One of my favorite things recently has been N educating me about Gen Z/alpha slang in the car in the mornings on my way to drop him and his sister off. What I really want is an Instagram or Tiktok channel dedicated to someone dressed up in 1930s fashion using Gen Z/alpha slang with a transatlantic accent. Or in what I've begun to think of as Post-WWII Cocaine Patter. 

You only get one good segue and I already used it up for this entry, so: Gen Z stare this, Gen Z stare that - the first thing I thought of when I heard the term was that it was very Aubrey Plaza-coded and isn't she the OG Millenial, really? ...I dunno. Aren't we all just trying to distract ourselves from the apocalypse at this point? *buries head in hands*

An actual exchange that happened today:
"There's a[n internet] troll who lives in New York City and-."
"Does he live in Central Park?"
"Uh...I don't know."

The shortest book review ever: Smart but Scattered (Dawson & Guare, 2008). I didn't appreciate the tone. Please, please, please don't spend half the book telling me how kids with ADHD can't! Seem! To do! Shit! We already have RSD, we know, alright already. More infographics, please.

Okay, off to chart review and then act like an adult up to and including conducting an interview and then synthesizing data. W00t w00t!

*Like when I was concerned about not connecting with people in church and not having friends and my mom told me that I just needed to pretend**! Pretend you're in a play! Tell me you're masking without telling me you're masking.

**But cue up my college freakout about whether or not I was being authentic in all my relationships. Which mostly just earned the side-eye from various roommates and friends.

***Since writing the first draft of this entry I have finished this and it continued to be just okay! Even the sexy bits were just okay. 🤷 Moving on up and out!

6,7

I have noticed that the quotes and About Me section on Facebook has changed significantly such that I can't forking see it anymore unless I go in to edit it. I miss seeing it on other peoples' profiles and I was (and am) the type of earnest elder emo kid that curated the hell out of those quotes. So I'm going to put them here. Just in case. In case what? I don't know.

"Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs. I am haunted by waters." - Norman MacLean

"But as Deepak Chopra taught us, quantum physics means that anything can happen at anytime and for no reason. Also, eat plenty of oatmeal, and animals never had a war! Who is the real animal?"  - Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth, Futurama

"Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything!" - Capt. Turanga Leela, Futurama 

"So? Everyone wants stuff, we wake up every day with list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them doesn’t mean we need them to be happy." - Ned, Pushing Daisies

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Plato

"There's a way 'round most things, darling.  And there's more to life than they let on." - Sarah, Upstairs, Downstairs

"Don't Panic." - Douglas Adams

"The medium is the message."  - Marshall McLuhan

"People just ain't no good." - Nick Cave

"Don't hesitate.  Tomorrow may never come.  Don't sleep in late.  Tomorrow is not Saturday." - Colin Hay

"Her heart's in the right place; I think she's just off her meds." - Bette Porter, The L Word

"Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!" - Ms. Frizzle

"All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well." - Julian of Norwich

"Life is pain, highness.  Anyone who says differently is selling something." - The Dread Pirate Roberts

"What the HELL are you talking about Clare?" - Ro Sanches

"When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy, motherfucker.”  - David Sedaris

"As she dabbed each tiny plastic cup into her eyes she reflected that if there was one thing life had taught her it was that there are times when you do not go back for your bag and other times when you do. It had yet to teach her to distinguish between the two types of occasion."  - Douglas Adams

“Nothing’s ever lost forever. It’s just caught inside the cushions of your couch and when you find it you’ll have such a nice surprise. Nothing’s ever lost forever. It’s just hiding in the recess of your mind and when you need it it will come to you at night. No one’s ever lost forever. When they die they go away but they will visit you occasionally. Do not be afraid. No one’s ever lost forever. They are caught inside your heart. If you garden them and water them they make you what you are.” - Amanda Palmer

“Let’s face it. We’re undone by each other. And if we’re not, we’re missing something. If this seems so clearly the case with grief, it is only because it was already the case with desire. One does not always stay intact. It may be that one wants to, or does, but it may also be that despite one’s best efforts, one is undone, in the face of the other, by the touch, by the scent, by the feel, by the prospect of touch, by the memory of the feel.” - Judith Butler

“Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself.” - Virginia Woolf

"The point being, that even in the contest between man and steer...the issue is not certain." - The Coen Brothers

"Stabilize proximally, mobilize distally." - OTs everywhere

"We teach best what we most need to learn." - Richard Bach 

In Which I So Far Up My Own Butt I Misread Literally Everything

Written 7/14:
My fieldwork educator (A) sent me a text last night, late, and I was hyper-activated (up my own butt) about getting L ready for camp and the Sunday night scaries, etc. and took it to mean that we were going to be cooking a-GAIN for a session today. That was not at all what she meant and she very gracefully accepted my nonsense and we had a very nice session with a different kid for whom that plan made a lot more sense and I just felt like Gaia's Silliest goose. If I had only stopped to look at and comprehend the time she'd mentioned in the text (and dug my way backwards, up and out of my own butt) then everything would have been fine. Yeesh.

Anyway. How are you? I'm good (see above). Actually, no, I've been sick for the past week but things seem to be settling down on that front. Buproprion seems to continue to be an alright fit for me; I'm not getting as much done as I was hoping and I keep forgetting things but not to The Extent I was on SSRIs so. Win? And anxiety isn't a consistent problem despite being on nearly full-time fieldwork. I keep thinking that the rubber is going to meet the road and I am going to crash out and burn, but instead I max out at moderate annoyance. 

Trying to keep 20 preschoolers' attention at circle time remains the hardest thing I've ever done. Except giving birth maybe. And the living hell of May 2023-April 2025. I was reading something on Reddit (naturally) in which the author made an infographic of their life over the past 7 years and enough bad things happened in it that COVD didn't even make the cut. So. There you go!

Speaking of anxiety (well, two paragraphs ago. Hush!), I put my name in the hat to perform for a show in September for fun. Not that I'm really capable of fun, but you know what I mean. And I get told yes and it's a show in which I am both expected to and expecting to sing. This isn't any huge whoop; I'm not an amazing singer, but I'm a pretty competent performer and I can make with the jazzy and the shimmies and I've been practicing little numbers from A Chorus Line and Hamilton in the car while driving about, and think things will be mostly fine! However, my anxiety is on my case because there was a mass email sent out from the director the company addressing some housekeeping things. Things like, "if you use a communal pasty take the tape of the back, ya filthy animals" and "we're not fixing to let you be all nonsense with your demands at the 11th hour in tech rehearsal; put your mands in your tech notes like a decent person", but the last thing was "the director gets to cast the show stop fussing about who's cast in what. KISSES." and I can't help think that it's because they're letting me sing. Because I'm not an amazing singer and only perform, like, twice a year. And I'm old. And who is that grown-ass lady, anyway? On the plus side judging by the cast list I will get to see someone amazing perform "Sexy" from Mean Girls: The Musical and their version is *salt bae's kiss*. 

Hm. What else? It's dreary again. There's some sort of timeshare with the sun going on right now the terms of which appear to be day-on-day-off.

I'm working my way (back to you babe) back up to consecutive days at the gym again which has been nice. I missed endorphins and watching age-appropriate vaguely trashy television on my phone whilst averting mine eyes from the televisions playing news because ohmygodohmygodohmygod. I think it must be one of the adultiest of games adults play with themselves. I can only watch Partner Track while at the gym! And you know what? It isn't even that good, but I kind of want to see what happens because: Korean-American Ally McBeal. 

I get into all these fights in my head about Ingrid, the main character.
Me: Would you be judging her so much if she were a man?
Also Me: Yes! 
M: Oh? So you're telling me this isn't internalized misogyny?
AM: It might be, but also I think it's just that I (and most women) have been socialized to Be Good so it feels really icky to see a female character who...isn't.
M: My bestie in Gilgamesh, is that not the same thing?
AM: No? Yes? GODDAMMIT. 

...and so on.

I've been getting most of my news from John Oliver, as always, and Michelle Wolf's Thought Box podcast. NPR hasn't always been cutting to the goddamn chase in the mornings, so it's nice to get a lil' update on whatever bullshit is happening from an expatriate who has the wherewithal to monitor it closely. For instance, I had no idea that in addition to Everything Else, whatshisface called the Prime Minister of Japan Mr. Japan (allegedly allegedly but still) because he couldn't remember his name. *sigh*

We went to a birthday part on Sunday that L was invited to by someone she didn't even have in the same class; didn't even go to kindergarten with.... IDK. I like the family fine and like the kid fine. No complaints there. And Sunday lived up to its name, actually. Beautiful, aggressively sunny day. Kind of reminiscent of what the fourth of July was like here this year. And I kept thinking that I love Alaska. But not...the country, so much? If that makes sense? 

And I probably only love Alaska for its beauty and history and because it is right here and visceral - not so much the abstract concept. I do not love Senator Murkowski's decision about the BBB and, newsflash, nobody does really. But anyway. We'll see what...happens. All my people in Texas are far away from floods. I didn't know where else to put that sentence.

Just media nothing else:

The Phoenician Scheme: Yes. Loved it! Against my better judgement, even.
K-Pop Demon Hunters: The songs live rent-free in my head and the intergenerational trauma subtext is actually supertext. It's fine!
The House On Watch Hill: I'm only four chapters in, but it's a light read and, occasionally, a lithe read. Wink.
Another Period: I'm rewatching this when I'm not watching the lawyer drama, and it's not...lol funny, but it is a good fit for me and I'm enjoying watching it sober a lot more than I did when I was drinking. Michael Ian Black's best work imo.
Partner Track: Awful. Just awful. *presses next episode button*

An Old-Fashioned Piano Party

Where have I been? Everywhere, bestie. Everywhere but here. Long stories mostly short I've been driving around and doing OT with kids and it's been pretty fun but, lo, I got sick and with the brain fog too which most likely means I got COVID. Woo. 

Some media in no real order:

America's Sweethearts: I never cheered for or watched the Dallas Cowboys to my knowledge (maybe my dad had it on in the background at times?). But parts of it sure do resonate. It's the KULTure, honey. I tried to find a meme to illustrate my lowkey obsession, but I guess that doesn't exist yet. Worth having on in the background while doing dishes or folding laundry and/or at the gym.

Chasing Chasing Amy: so it turns out that I am so tired that I can't read shit unless it has to do with assist levels, et al, because I tried to go see a movie with J and was telling her about the movie I thought we were seeing but it turns out instead it a documentary about that movie and maybe that's for the best. Because I'm pretty sure Chasing Amy doesn't hold up.

That Darn Cat (1965): The casting in this was confusing as were the accents. But 1960s Disney gave not a care about this. Hayley Mills (British) was 19? Her older sister (American) was...30? The lady who played Frankenstein's Bride (British) was in this as the neighbor busybody and looks about...50? But is...63? Idk. The FBI agent (American, of course) is in his 30s, but the Roddy McDowell neighbor (British) who works with The Older Sister is 40? It's fine! ...where the fuck was this supposed to be set? L acted like I was torturing her for insisting we finish it. You don't have to finish your dinner, but by golly you'll finish your ancient live-action Disney flick! 

Summer Magic: I guess I'm on a Hayley Mills kick, because here we are. This was made in 1963, which means the events of the film were probably only 60 years earlier. So if they made a similar movie today it'd be set in 1965. Makes you think. The events of the film are very similar to Meet Me In St. Louis assuming you ever got to see when the family moved. Also the dad is dead. Sorry if that spoiled it for you, but...you get it.

Otherwise:

So, how's therapy going you might ask (with some misgivings because, wtf sis; when last I thus spoke Zarathustra my intent was to use ChatGPT as a kind of therapy stopgap). Well, it's...not? I tried with ChatGPT and it basically just says, "Wow that sounds hard." and gives me breathing exercises. The structures of the protocol are helpful and good to keep in mind generally but...that's not therapy. You need another human being for therapy. It's more like an interactive self-help book? And that's useful in its way but it probably more helpful to use an actual therapy workbook and make with the typie typie here if I may make so Buffy.

And at the end of the day recently I tend to look at a blank blog page and my brain emits a low, sonorous hum. And that's a bit difficult to type out. So.

And also I spent 8 goddamn hours documenting this weekend due to brain fog which hasn't been the best for my carpal tunnel.

How's fieldwork? It's good! Normal? Kind of what I expected? I'm enjoying the ways in which I'm good at it and the ways in which I need to grow and learn more. I don't (yet) regret my life choices as regards OT. The house it's the most difficult for me to go to is also the one that falls exactly at the end of my week and I still appreciate it because it's the house at which I'm most likely to witness discourse about race and America between two POC brothers adopted into a white family who seem distinctly anti-f*cist. The brothers do. Not necessarily the family. So silver linings - you know? And the kids who I'm told are "more challenging" are fiiiiine. Gurl, you can't hurt me. Or, if you can, it won't be via 3-8 year-olds with behavioral difficulties, and those not to the extent that anyone's pulled a knife on me (yet)!

I do want more from the interventions at times. That's probably on me, but there's this persistent difficulty with striking occupational balance for myself, finding interventions that work and are researched adequately, and pulling apart the things I'm using that are early-childhood based and OT-based.

Another thing that happened a week ago:

Not me tearing up in the Kaladi's because I ran into A Parent who chatted with me about life and politics and how Trump and Bernie are the same because the trigger the same fear part of the amygdala and how AOC is the new Bernie. ...maybe you had to be there.

I hope things are neither tornado nor flood nor wildfire nor legislative horror show. Besos.