Big Long

 Big long talk yesterday morning; I didn't have much to say. I don't have much left in me. I'm just tired of hearing how I am not a good friend, not there for S, not for the last 5 years. I feel like that's pretty true; and the reason why (I think, anyway), is that it's been slowly leeched out of me over the years.

Do I want to do the emotional labor of Being There For You past listening and making affirming noises (this last one sometimes but not all the times)? No. Why? Because it's so one-sided, partly. I am told over and over again that S wants to be there for me. And you know what? I have no idea if that's true or not. It doesn't feel like it, but that could just be my brain. 

But also I do have the sense that every time I've tried in the last five years he hasn't been up to it. "I'm stressed because it's my fault because I chose to be this busy." So...why would I try anymore?

It all started because I brought up chores the day before yesterday in the morning. He was upset because "I feel like you're saying you do more than me. Is there a card for fixing the roof?" Yes, there is. *sigh* I didn't explain it well, and I wasn't intending on using it "as intended". Because I know he'd be upset. Well, he's upset anyway.

I'll probably just use them if/when he's out of town.

Today is our anniversary. I wouldn't remember unless my mom brought it up. Or Facebook - sometimes it's Facebook.

I picked up a shift at work (or maybe half a shift) and then we (L and I plus the friends who invited us) are going hiking at Thunderbird Falls. I'm sure this will be a problem because I just said yes and didn't check with S first. 

*sigh*

Maybe I am the worst.

Okay bye I'm going to be late.