If I Had a Nickel - but I don't. Do you?

Shopping for back-to-school; shoes. Needing to be left alone to figure it out (she does this too). More anxiety than me.

Reading? Important to communicate that she can do it. 

J ate. Maybe that's why.

We had a lot of screentime, actually.

S seems to be working a lot so far. So I don't know if we'll be visiting on a day where he's...not working. I also don't know if he'd want to do anything other than sleep if we did visit. But we probably should?

Aww, heck. AHEC

Melatonin.

The cat being wild about pooping in weird places. Grrr.

Heart Surgery...

...was, I think, the main take-away from yesterday. Yesterday was a date I dreamed of...I don't know. A while ago? I wrote in this blog somewhere (I think?). 

Well, it turned out to the first day of Mercury in retrograde for this month; and it'll be in retrograde until my birthday. Woo?

And I covered a shift at a store that wasn't my home store and it was a nice experience. A lot of super-nice partners. And it was heckin' raining.

I picked up L at my MIL's house and visited with her for a while.

Then I took a nap (sort of. I'm not very good at napping these days). S made spaghetti for dinner and we ate dinner as a family, which was nice. Then L and I rode bikes to the park (in the rain) with her neighborhood friend. 

...and that was it, really. We watched episodes of The Simpsons. I did not successfully stay up late enough to watch anything grownup with my husband.

I dreamt about a lot of things, but the thing that stuck out most was heart surgery. I had to have a total heart replacement (not a thing) and the hospital happened to have lots of hand. Like, a large plastic bin full of hearts ready to go. I think they might have been pig hearts.

I told L about this and she said, "You had a nightmare."

"No." I said. "I didn't." 

And, no. I didn't. It wasn't scary. 

So what's the message? Focus on positive things? Reflect - it's fuckin' mercury retrograde again? I need a change of heart? My subconscious knew what date mercury retrograde started and just threw that into a dream?

Things are never very clear to me anymore.

I think today is for gently running errands in the rain and getting ready for the start of school next week. Oh, and watching E.T.

Hope your end of summer is going well!

Yours, Mine, and Ours Craft

 There is a strawberry plant in the backyard that held on from last year and has been living its best strawberry plant life. Strawberry runners are trying to take over the entire planter bed system that the previous owner put into place. I spent some time weeding earlier in the summer but the elderly fence on the right side of the yard has been taken over by shaking aspens trying to grow. Aspens are very aggressive. They really want to reproduce. I'm not sure why they're sold in stores.

But this strawberry plant has been producing strawberries and considerately hiding these under-leaf so the birds don't see them. We've been nabbing them and they're pretty good. A really nice surprise. I didn't do anything for our garden this year as far as buying plants.

At one time I saw that one of the local mill and feed stores was giving plants away, but didn't make it downtown in time to see what they had. 

But anyway, here's what we have going: strawberries, chives, miscellaneous flowers (including a chocolate lily that's very committed to surviving) and some quite dehydrated raspberry bushes that I picked up last year.

Big Long

 Big long talk yesterday morning; I didn't have much to say. I don't have much left in me. I'm just tired of hearing how I am not a good friend, not there for S, not for the last 5 years. I feel like that's pretty true; and the reason why (I think, anyway), is that it's been slowly leeched out of me over the years.

Do I want to do the emotional labor of Being There For You past listening and making affirming noises (this last one sometimes but not all the times)? No. Why? Because it's so one-sided, partly. I am told over and over again that S wants to be there for me. And you know what? I have no idea if that's true or not. It doesn't feel like it, but that could just be my brain. 

But also I do have the sense that every time I've tried in the last five years he hasn't been up to it. "I'm stressed because it's my fault because I chose to be this busy." So...why would I try anymore?

It all started because I brought up chores the day before yesterday in the morning. He was upset because "I feel like you're saying you do more than me. Is there a card for fixing the roof?" Yes, there is. *sigh* I didn't explain it well, and I wasn't intending on using it "as intended". Because I know he'd be upset. Well, he's upset anyway.

I'll probably just use them if/when he's out of town.

Today is our anniversary. I wouldn't remember unless my mom brought it up. Or Facebook - sometimes it's Facebook.

I picked up a shift at work (or maybe half a shift) and then we (L and I plus the friends who invited us) are going hiking at Thunderbird Falls. I'm sure this will be a problem because I just said yes and didn't check with S first. 

*sigh*

Maybe I am the worst.

Okay bye I'm going to be late.