Dis-Ease

 I flipped a coin to decide whether I should go or not because you didn’t want to. To a friend’s birthday party. And it came up heads, so I went. I thought I’d just be dropping by and leaving. But that’s not how it went. And I didn’t tell you. I don’t know why. I should have. And then the time the party was supposed to be over I texted you to tell you it wasn’t yet. And you said, “so you’re not coming home anytime soon?” I said “Not yet .” And then I brought you cake. But I should have just left. Or texted you. But I didn’t do either of those things. I am tired. Is it normal for this to be such an issue? I came home and pushed cake at you. But you are angry. And that’s understandable. You went to bed without looking at me. And I understand.

However, a big part of the most self-interested piece of me says: you were supposed to come. You didn’t. That was your choice. Childcare was lined up. These people went out with us last weekend and our kids are friends. I know you’re tired but I should be there for their birthday. For a moment I thought you were being the supportive husband. But no. You’re And I’m not really sorry I went to the party and cried hearing L2 talking about their aneurysm and coming back to Alaska one year ago today. I’m a little sorry you didn’t come. You could have had filet mignon and drank whisky and L could have been watched by my parents like I had arranged and we could have left early because: babysitters. And if I had a dollar for every time I had no clue what was going on with you during band practice? I would have some dollars.

But I see why you would be upset. And I am perfectly okay. Not talking about it tonight. 

Maybe you didn’t feel like parenting this evening. 

Maybe I shouldn’t tell L2 that you want to take the girls somewhere this weekend because maybe you don’t anymore. Maybe I should frame that with some information about how you’re upset with me. Probably not.

But probably I am just going to finish my wine and go to bed. Because I have work in the morning. 

Acclimation

S: "What?"

[Nothing, babe. I came home last night to you asleep at 7:15 (I left at 4:00) and L hanging out in her room. You had drunk the second half of a bottle of Bushmills in that time. You're leaving this morning with a 4% alcoholic kombucha in hand on the way to work. But I don't feel like I can start that conversation, because I have four tests in the next six days.]

Me: *kiss kiss*

I Cried Into a Sweet Tea in McAllister's Then I'll Cry Into a Lavender Au Lait Now

 I'm 37. I'm 20 years from starting college the first time. And I still cry. A lot. I wish I took better care of myself so when I cried it wouldn't impact others.

Maybe I'm not meant to take care of others without a little safe at home. 

Unfortunate to be a woman in this society, then.

Irresponsible to choose motherhood I suppose.

Anyway. As hard as things feel...felt...tonight (and wow did they). I'm going to survive. I'm going to find the places where I can help and that help me too.

Now: more lectures.

YOU'VE got to know when to hold 'em: I do not.

I am over lots of things right now. Like my allergic reaction to contact solution, allergic reaction to trees, competitive anything, and the losing battle of my house/life. So let's dig into that, I guess:

- Why. Why. Why discontinue the only contact solution that works for me? Fuck. If I have to hear "Your eyes look red and angry, friend...." one more time I will fucking scream. Benadryl makes me feel angry, eye drops historically have not been helpful. So: massive fucking shrug, I guess.

- I truly hate using the term "friends" to refer to grown ass adults. Or even kids, sometimes, at this point I suppose. I am not a Quaker. Neither are you. I just fucking can't with it. Calling me friend is a surefire way to get me to feel default a bit upset. And I feel like I have to suck it up because I live in The North and that's just the way people talk 'round here. *sigh*

- Ten bucks says S will last-minute decide he doesn't want to go to this Spring Banquet-type-thing here and I will either be going by myself or asking my dad if he wants to go because he tends to like that sort of thing. Secondary bet: S will go, but have drunk like half a bottle of tequila first and be barely coherent the entire time. I have no tertiary bet.

- You know how I've been trying to gamify food lately, right? In an effort to make myself eat more food groups? Limited success with that, but I have been throwing a few more veggies and fruits in there so - yay? But anyway, for next month I was kind of on the fence as to do a keto-ish thing or something different and I was remembering how Shakeology was a thing and wow did I forget how expensive those shake packets are. Like I suppose if you break it down by day it's not so bad (and in this economy it feels like eating itself is just setting money on fire constantly) but damn. So keto it is, then, I guess. This one app I got grades the types of food I eat based on some criteria as A-F, I think. And the basic thing is that I am not eating very well. No judgement, it's just not so much happening.

- I feel like I'm a little better able to gauge whether I'm feeling crappy due to hunger, fatigue, stress, or thirst which is overall improvement. So, again, yay?

- In a post I didn't publish I spoke about discontinuing services with the university psychological services center due to several reasons, and yesterday I kept getting phone calls and messages from the pysch student there who's been handling my case which is honestly very stressful and disruptive. Especially as we'd just gotten done with an assessment evaluating my level of social anxiety and generalized anxiety and we ended the session with me talking about how I don't like parties and social gatherings without clearly defined roles, etc. Well, guess what else falls under social anxiety? Phone calls and messages. Blah. The first one was just to say that our next session is going to be our last and he wasn't sure he'd told me that (he hadn't; I was already aware because scheduling is hella necessary to my survival). I'm not sure what the second message is about because I've only glanced at the transcript and last night was busy with:

- This meeting about how our cohort's semester is going (mostly fine; I have different beef bouillons than almost everyone else in the cohort so I'll just reach out about that separately if I remember, I guess. I'm never sure if something is a systemic problem or a "me" problem. So.), and then this Jeopardy-like contest in which all the most competitive people got placed on the same team and the less competitive people got placed on the other team. Should have been fine, right? I would have thought so too! However. A and I got really upset especially toward the end because the other team started being extremely disruptive to our team's attempts to do MMT and ROM evaluations. And anyway, I think the reason I got so upset was because: shame. I can't fucking handle being shamed. It makes me angry. It's not about the winning per se, it's about the way the winners handle it. I could absolutely not go on a show like Squid Games (the non-homicidal version) because I could not handle that type of thing.

- Okay. I'd better study for the test I have on Monday and take a gander at that one thing that's due tomorrow. Ciao, bella.

Sweetness

 L said, a little muddy, holding my hand, walking to my parents’ house to spend the night: “Did you think being a mama was going to be hard? And then you had me and I was so sweet? Did I come out and you put a bow on me when I was a baby?”

She is. She is the sweetest. 

I'm having the best day I can. Okay?

 Listening: The Glass Castle by Jeannette Rawls

Watching: Girls 5Eva

Tidied up: the office upstairs because it was a fucking disaster.

Went on: a walk with L after playing and having a dance party for about 30 minutes.

Interested in: rewatching Adventure Time, singing "Texas Hold 'em" (badly) at karaoke, doing the shit I said I'd do for group projects sometime tomorrow around 3:30 AM.

Not interested in: cooking, although I did make pancakes for L, experiencing my negative feelings in a full-body way, those new X-Men cartoons. 

+ texting a random number on a scarf to restore it to them.

- being told I (automatically) bolted the door to the house after my husband left the house with L because I "wanted to exclude them from my life."

+ dance party with L

- worrying I'm a monster

 + helping L drop some "supplies" to the ninja turtles in the sewers on our way back from our walk

- worrying that someone driving by will judge me for letting her do this.

The lesson

 …what is it? The one that’s to be repeated until I learn it? Thanks. 😘 

Damned Faint

I don't like to hear
Songs about love and spending
All eternity with someone anymore.

It's my own fault that
This is the way of things.
My intolerance and cruelty and pushing away

Who could withstand?

It would be safest to be on meds
In a cottage or a SNF somewhere
Watching the snow fall
Trying to remember how your voice sounds

The Mississippi drawl

Hair gray
Firmly on the spectrum
Doing small things
And reading novels from the vapor trails of librarians

I would like to know everything
That's happened to you since
I broke your heart
(Whether my guesses are correct)

You said you just know things
Well
Just know this:
I think I grasp my capacity for
Harming others now.

And I choose not to
Although
We are working on other things
In therapy.