Sunday, March 31, 2024

In-"tarot"-ception

Called in sick today. I'd made it out of bed, dressed, drunk about half my Celsius energy drink, showered, selected the red smokehouse earrings, brushed my teeth, fed the cat, pulled the tarot card (Knight of Swords), and driven 3/4 of the way to work. But I just...felt like trash. Allergies? A cold? Something else? I don't know. But trash. And also: the storm of me trying to psych myself up for calling in. The push-pull. Ugh. There's a little bit of a flowchart to it, too or coding: IF "call in" THEN "no easter egg hunt" which = bummer for L. IF "no call in" THEN "easter egg hunt" which = possibly infecting a bunch of kids with a virus (maybe?) and also just ignoring how I feel and continuing to be a hot trash fire. *sigh*

And then there's IF "call in" THEN do I call in tomorrow? Do I not? Do I just wait and see how I feel (the horror!)? Does L still go to school? Do we just have a home day and I ask H if we can just do a zoom tutoring session? Probably. Too. Many. Decisions. 

You know what? Making decisions is too much sometimes. Here's a short list of things I hate making decisions about:

  • dinner
  • plague protocols
  • how to respond to tests (unfortunately similar to a drop-down menu with high stakes)
  • school decisions (L)
  • what to get to drink
  • calling in versus not calling in to work for illness (because WHAT SEVERITY IS SEVERE ENOUGH? WHAT?); this is similar to plague protocols but also a little different.
  • what to eat generally (intuitive eating is a NIGHTMARE, probably because poor interoception)
  • what to do next
  • what to do first
  • what I want for my birthday/Christmas/mother's day
I really want to like this research class but I am very unfortunately out of fucks to give. I like research generally! But at least one of the things raises my hackles (rejecting the null versus accepting the null; I was given to understand that in statistics we were supposed to reject the null or fail to reject the null), and the rest of them are just sort of...I don't know. All over the place. Maybe that's just research for you? Blah.

I got the worst Easter basket imaginable from Target. It was Mario themed (which was fine) but it just had...four things in it? One of which was somewhat confusing. A tube with a slot. Nothing in the tube. Just an empty tube. S said he thought it might be a piggybank? Probably.

Spring is trying to come but, then, it started snowing again today.

We had a small tea party after Easter stuff today. L still doesn't like peppermint tea and that was all we had so: more for me.

Sunday, March 24, 2024

Is therapy?

Therapy lately has been spending two sessions filling out an interview about my attachment style. I think he told me about how scoring works, but I don't remember. Anyway. Only four weeks of therapy and then I...get to know my attachment style! Woo?

We were going to go to a trial dance class for L today, but S decided to take her to the mall to get the screen on her tablet fixed. When I called I think he was getting ready to get all angry with me, but I was just like...it's okay. We'll do it next week. Hopefully. I feel like a jerk to the dance place going back and forth, but really? It is what it is. Yes, intrafamily communication is crap. Yes, that's probably my fault.

But...someone came through drive-through and their daughter was pregnant in the hospital from sort of terrible injury that I didn't catch. They said she was jaundiced and...they were going for surgery. I don't have those types of problems. I am grateful for that.

It's hard to motivate myself to go to work when I'm tired or have a test the day of (which is almost always)...but it does usually end up being a nice little break. I get to let go of all the other shit that I have going on and just do task. Connect with people. And breathe. And sequence. And sometimes I get to see people I know through drive through which is excellent for my nosy character traits.

List ftw:

- Five weeks until the end of the semester. Then one week off and summer semester. Woo! 
- I shall be the secretary of this one student organization I'm a member of. Woo?
- I haven't planned L's birthday party yet. CRAP.
- H&R Block is a hot mess, and I'm not sure they've finalized our taxes yet. Ugh.
- There's this cute condo next to L's school and actually one other house for sale and maybe a third apartment for rent and I just...fantasize about living closer to school. I spend a lot of time in the car, okay? We may as well be driving to and from Eagle River twice a day.
- Trying to coordinate other couples for couple dates is hard, even two months in advance. Trying to go see the closing night of a show that I choreographed for and so far it's been "let me ask my husband"->follow up->no. Next couple: "let me ask my husband" ...and crickets. I'm going to start going down the list pretty soon I guess!
- One of my friends wrote a science fiction novel which is pretty exciting. It's pretty decent so far; I've been reading it aloud of an evening. For...one evening running now. Hah. We'll see how it goes.
- The snow is melting. That is all.

Monday, March 11, 2024

OT School Journal Prompt: How would you spend your perfect day off? What makes that perfect for you?

Wake up (the best start to any day).
The house is completely clean and smells good; coffee in bed with snuggles.
We'd go for a walk around the neighborhood (it's sunny and warm with a slight breeze); maybe we'll see a moose in the distance!

We'd go to breakfast somewhere good. Spenard Roadhouse or Fire Island depending on the vibe. It would not be crowded and the food would be amazing. Then we'd go home and garden, read, relax, listen to music.

We'd have lunch at home and maybe take a lil' nap.

There'd be some sort of afternoon activity. Maybe we'd go swimming or ride a horse or visit with grandparents or have a playdate at the park.

Then we'd go see a movie at Beartooth. We'd have pizza and it would be, like, a Miyazaki film or something.

Finally we'd pick up some wild scoops on the way home. We'd have a fire-pit in the backyard and eat ice cream and play a board game that everyone liked and nobody cheated at.

Then it's time for bubble baths and bed. Bedtime involved reading a book and final snuggles and picking out a sleep story and everyone feeling cozy. <3 

This is where it takes a turn: the kids go to bed, right? Then, maybe I read while my s/o plays a video game. Or maybe I get to play a video game by myself and then read and go to bed. The house is clean. I feel...light?

I feel...like nothing is tugging on the edges of my brain pulling me into a well o' despair. 

Some of this is variable; I think when I was younger I would have said things like yoga (and that would still be nice) and cat cafe (and that could still be on fleek with the kiddos). But what would make it feel like the perfect day to me would be: connection, feeling just...good in my environment and flexibility. 

There are memories of walking to get coffee in Prescott and that being just...lovely. Or hearing music from downtown in my little studio apartment. Or the sound of the brook running outside my window. Or walking to yoga class or driving to Thumb Butte for a hike. Nostalgia is dangerous. And I do remember the brain patterns/chemicals/whatever else is going on with me being such a strong factor in how I couldn't really enjoy the loveliness with which I was surrounded and actively trying to surround myself.

And! I would definitely say I was not in a secure place - financially or otherwise. But there was still a lot of beauty there. And I don't regret going there or the experiences I had there. I love them. They're in my heart. They're also not my entire identity. And I don't want to go back. I just Leonard Cohen them. I take that waltz now. It's all that there is.

Tuesday, March 5, 2024

Is Anything Ever Really Happening?

I took a "home day" from driving L to school today. Partly because this week just seemed so long. It was probably for the best, because L slept in pretty neatly and it turned out to be a half-day that I'd forgotten about. So that avoided the particular types of drama that would have gone along with forgetting about the half-day, driving home and discovering it, and then getting nothing done but driving 20 minutes back to her school again almost immediately. Sigh.

So we're just chilling. I'm doing bits of chores and choreography and drinking coffee. And debating on whether to pursue the research track for school. I don't have time. But I feel like I would very much regret it if I didn't. Very weird feelings all around.


We're supposed to go see Dune II with friends at some point while grandparents do childcare. That should be fun...? Inasmuch as anything involving group hangs is...fun? For me?

Spring break is next week which means I will have a self-care day on Tuesday and otherwise just catch up on a Kinesiology lecture and hit the anatomy flashcards pretty hard. I have 16 hours of fieldwork to do next week which complicates childcare pickup and dropoff...but not more than usual, I guess. It also complicates a hair appointment and therapy, and I suppose I should do that today too - reschedule, I mean.

My therapist has apparently given it some thought and after letting me rant for about an hour last week, he said actually he wanted to do an evaluation on my attachment style and try IPE therapy which I think is fantastic. My guesses are a draw between: Insecure Avoidant Attachment and Insecure Dismissive Attachment styles.

Re: L's school I'm still trying to toe the line between being a MONSTER and HONEST ABOUT MY PERCEPTIONS, PRIORITIES, and PREFERENCES. Had a brief conversation with S last night about how I'm starting to notice there's just one faculty member in particular who seems to have difficulties with treating kindergartners in developmentally appropriate ways. And that when I say that, I mean that she said something that made L cry yesterday when she was just trying to fucking help a toddler put their boots on. Le sigh. I get that everyone has bad days, but this person...just seems to struggle with kindergarten-age children in particular. Anyway, I'm tracking it. I don't know if it warrants a meeting or if there's a two-approach rule or anything like that but the goal is to address it at some point*. 

One of the questions on the survey about L's school vibes was: "Are you dealing with trauma related to your own school experiences?" And...yes? But those places were very unlike this place. AND those places were very unlike this place. Someone in my cohort is also a mom and we spoke a little bit about her experiences with her children's first school, and her takeaway was that not every school is the right fit for every child and we have options. And...we do? And that's certainly