Sad Dad Bands

Blarg. Another drop-off, another unnecessarily extended rant in my car about my child's school and teacher.

Is it really all that bad? No. Am I being a bitch? Absolutely. Did I ever think I would be this parent? Kind of.

I have this little mantra that I say to myself sometimes and it's: some of ya'll haven't ever been bitched out by [wife of prominent Alaska nepotism politics family] and it shows. Well? I have. I have been fucking read by lots and lots of parents. And not that it ever felt good (it didn't) but it sure informed my...expectations. 

But also! I've been called in a lot by parents and that was always the best way for me to learn. So...why don't you do that, Clara? Do that.

I...will. I will try. I will try. I will try. I will try. I will try.

I will also cry at some point today. Maybe I should do that before lab.

Listening to Why Does He Do That? on and off by Lundy Bancroft and it's been really affirming. And also convicting. Short answer: yes, my spouse has abusive characteristics. And so do I. And so did my dad. And on and on and on. So while I'm not done with the book yet, I think the change it enact will be along the lines of:

    For me: check myself. Stop and think very very hard about how I feel before I speak or do anything. If I need to take a minute to go regulate - take that minute before melting down on spouse/children/child's teacher, etc. Something may be wrong (something may be in need of repair) but it's not them it's never them. And I understand that this is different than setting boundaries, those are two different things. Take care of myself as tedious as that sounds so I can handle whatever happens from the best, healthiest place. Be as regulated as possible.

    For the situation: if he punches a hole in the wall/door/whatever he needs to fix it (I was already of this mindset; apparently it's correct). It is not my job to repair whatever rifts he creates. I don't trust the good times because we've had enough bad ones that it feels ludicrous to. But there's also not a clear path forward. So. Stay on this one, I guess.

    For the child(ren): keep them safe physically and emotionally. I keep thinking of K and her dad. There's on part of the book that says mothers in abusive relationships can't win with their children and that seems pretty right. If they stand up to the abuse the children might feel like she should have played a more palliative role. If she plays a more palliative role the children might feel like she should have stood up to the abuse. And if, as adults, they call her on either, she might still be so traumatized that she lashes out and says "I wasn't scary when you were kids". ...even though? It's as scary to kids to have a sad parent dealing with abuse as the actual abuse from their other parent. 

*sigh*

What is life?

On another note: I freeze up whenever A Youth asks me about music. Do I like One Direction? Uh.... Is that Harry Styles' band? Hah. I Am An Old!