Are we even going to GET anything for Krampus now?

I'm taking a few minutes to journal. As a treat. Finals week! Woo! There are really only two that are Emergent and the rest are filed under: maybe we do this the day of. 

Either in despite or because of everything that's happened in my life I still draw a tarot card every day. Today's was The Chariot. Typically this means that people (and in particular S) will be kind of shit-start-y. And yes! So far that does seem to be the case.

When strangers who want their coffee are shit-start-y it's generally like water off a duck's back. Like getting upset over scanning devices and me hearing them and adjusting but then trying to pivot a conversation where I have a small anecdote about meeting someone who claimed to design self-checkouts but okay Michael. I can also just give you your coffee. I learn a little something, you learn a little nothing by your own choice.

But when S is shit-start-y I just shut down.

And I feel...well...frustrated with myself a bit about this. In relationships (generally) I don't so much deal with anything. I haven't ever rebounded from partner to partner like a ricocheting water bear but I do tend to stay in situations too long or not long enough and just generally don't handle my shit.

S was getting frustrated last night because I didn't get home before 4:30 to make dinner and needed to finish a project that was due. Also start that same project. He just doesn't fuck with parallel play, I guess? Is the problem that he's too neurotypical and I'm not neurotypical enough? Anyway, he went to "bed" early. And got up early today too. And started a conversation about how his dad said L was "giving him attitude" (I assume at dropoff yesterday?) without many details. And then gave me angry eyes about my coat selection for work (probably too short? But I'm definitely not getting into it about clothing with him again).

Just...it's always something. Before it was school it was me not being "present" and "happy" enough or not putting enough effort into things.... And now it's all about me being selfish and how selfish I am. Which could very well be true. I have a rich inner life and probably have pendulum-ed back pretty hard from my childhood and young adolescence and also have a fair amount of fight-flight-flee going on at any given time. So.

But I fantasize about starting a TikTok specifically so that I can go through my daily routine bit-by-bit but preface each task with how selfish I am. And then having someone else do a tally at the end of the day.
      - Here I am using urinating selfishly! And selfishly deciding not to bring more toilet paper upstairs                because I'm the only one with a vagina who uses the upstairs bathroom, there are wet wipes already            there, and everybody knows where the toilet paper is!
    - Here I am selfishly doing homework for 40 minutes on the couch after chugging a redbull.
    - I'm selfishly doing the dishes! Watch out!
    - Ope. Selfishly packed my child lunch and a snack and wrote her a lil' note!!
    - Selfishly pulled a tarot card for the day. Chariot!
    - Selfishly got dressed for work, brushed teeth and even threw on a little mascara. Watch out! I selfishly     wore the one warm kind of fits jacket I have for work also.
    - I drove to work all selfishly and was selfishly on time.

...I mean, you get the idea. Also I won't do that. I just think it would be funny to do that.

But I think that's about it. I will look forward to a tense dinner tonight and some sort of stern talking to about "attitude". I will probably touch base with the in-laws about specifics before talking to L because "attitude" probably means about as much to her as when people say things like "uppity" and "you're throwing it in my face" to me. Which is: a lot of nothing followed by a bunch of question marks. 

Throwing it in your face. Sheesh. I'm citing you as a reference to you! Lawd.

Okay, bye. Wish me luck!

Today's the Day (It's Chicken and Waffles Day)

 I hold onto this (and hope I do forever).

Chicken from Raisin' Cane's (we finally got one in Tikhatnu; okay, Dimond too), waffles I make myself from store brand waffle mix and...hot sauce!

Some of my favorite memories are having chicken and waffles the day before Thanksgiving. I used to talk on the phone while I was walking around Fry's in Prescott. Annoying, I'm sure, but it kept me on task. The attention to detail then: shitty paper plates, the flimsiest pre-sliced white bread, and trying to figure out how to make a blue kool-aid drank (the a is intentional) using Mad Dog and Hypnotiq.

I don't put that much effort into the details anymore. And L is too little for me to watch blaxploitation films with her. But I love chicken and waffles day. And I hope I keep it going. 

the only intervention happening is the one in my mind

 - maybe I was so obsessed with planning a wedding in my early teens because it was a glimmer of it being Okay For Things To Be The Way I Want Them.

- it's well below zero today WHATEVER iOS says. The heater is working so hard and my hands are so cold.

- watching a lecture about rheumatoid arthritis today and I was fucking RIGHT. You're NOT supposed to have infinite numbers of cortisone shots because over time it will damage your cartilage and bone. Just because there's less inflammation doesn't mean the underlying issue has been addressed, ya'll.

- try this: 16 oz. au lait, 2 pumps toffeenut, 2 pumps whit mocha, steamed oat milk, add 1 shot blonde espresso, whipped cream, honey on top. Still the best.

11/10/23 - 11/18/23

What must it be to want to be touched.

In any sense.

It’s snowing. Been snowing for almost 48 hours.

Nope.

I'm not the best wife. My head is down. I'm trying to figure out how the fuck to cite this part of my group paper. And next I will pack up lunches. Take a shower. Try to talk myself into trying the pre-diabetic diet. Give L a shower. Pack up for a day of studying. Start the dishwasher. And then try to learn neuroanatomy catch up on lectures go to the library (or museum) place a grocery pickup order and fold laundry. Probably leftovers for dinner. And maybe a lecture. And you come at me talking about Do I Want To Open Up the Relationship Is That My Endgame By Wearing Fishnets To Work Twice.

Bitch, I am barely existing. And if we're talking different futures that are appealing? I'd rather have a small house BY MYSELF. I'm used up. I'm exhausted. I do not want to be touched. And there is a small number of people I want to have around my daughter most of whom I already know and don't think of romantically. I want YOU to step up and do the work to repair the damage you've done and stop YELLING AT ME for GARMENT CHOICES.

But I do not say any of that. I keep working on my paper. And cry. And once you've left I make myself a second cup of coffee and write it out.

I would be excited to sleep in a bed by myself while you're out of town but that room is a fetid pit and I don't know that I want to clean it. I don't know that I want to do much of anything anymore with this person. 

...

But it's not just me, is it?

Nope.