The Barbie Movie has been on steady rotation at my house, which is pretty great. I never thought I'd consistently cry during the part where she's running away from the executives, but here we are. Oh right - spoilers.
Just got together with K's mom who is now estranged. I am and am not caught in the middle. I feel a lot like barfing. I feel for both of them. I don't know what to say. In quiet moments after conversations I find myself thinking "your trauma responses are just incompatible". There's something here. Something uncomfortable. And I worry about it. For them. Individually. Maybe by next year I'll be able to find it in myself to say things like "As a parent, it's not yours to belittle the experiences your children articulate having as children." You really can't say: no, it didn't happen that way. There's that adage that resurfaces every so often about not remembering what you said but remembering how you made them feel.
Kids don't always remember details. But they remember how you made them feel. If your kid tells you they always feel scared it's your job to listen. Not explode on them. *sigh* I do see what K is saying. But what do I say? How do I say it without getting exploded at? Do I just get exploded at? Maybe.
I am concerned about cognitive deterioration. Go to counseling. Look inward. Nobody wants to hear that. Go to a damn yoga class. I don't know. Maybe relate it to couples counseling where the other person can't or won't go.
I, myself, want to go to a damn yoga class.
It does hurt when you can't or won't remember why you're being ghosted. That describes me too.
But for today. Just feeling sad with. Hugging. Listening. I wish I had more insight to offer but I don't know. I wasn't there. I'm not a sibling. I can't say to do x or y because the comprehension just isn't there; but also because things have already reached a point at which she no longer has access to K.
On a different topic: maybe, if my delusions allow me to live through the days and be more or less okay.... Maybe that's okay. Maybe that's enough. Humans do a lot of shit to deal with the parts of their lives that are or feel dangerous.
Anyway bye I have to go care about cranial nerves now. Turning off that spigot. Running up that hill.
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