- I took this online questionnaire that seems pretty reputable. I do have some indicators for autism. So, yay?
https://embrace-autism.com/raads-r/?fbclid=IwAR00f1INQFpkTMqVu9p2u91SIKfJ53NxMz2B_5UyM3dYHm0Dc5_ClztENNE
- Maybe the incessant discomfort around other people I've always felt isn't...neurotypical? Or something that will magically go away if I just FiNd ThE rIgHt PeRsOn And, like, maybe everyone else didn't spend a disproportionate part of their adolescence obsessing about geishas.
November 10, 2015
What makes you happy? What do you need me to do differently? What do you need?
There's always something you can do. (Or is there?) Coming into these relatively dark days, guns blazing only to be checked.... And celebrate the differences. And walk gently. Cry often. That's how it goes. It's not that you don't know. I'm sure you do. Just feel like you're not buying your own product. Sometimes. Playing the game to play it. What, then, are we doing here anyway? How am I to trust you when things are just...not...trustworthy. If St. left I think I might too. I imagine it will all happen at the same time. 19 months left to get it right. Then - what? Off on the next thing, I guess. My heart's burned. Just heal my love. Just feel healing and love. The dark will come again. I mean it kinda already is. Being saturated in other peoples' feelings has been fun. And it's been useful. But in some ways it's not anymore. Being washed in other peoples' feelings - so much so that it is can be (sic) a smudge between what's mine and what's yours. You're not responsible for everyone else's feelings. Except - you are. We all are.
Slept on an acre of bones slept through Christmas slept like a bucket of snow
Tired of these impossible causes. Tired of being the impossible girl. Tired of not being very...whatever.
After writing this I stayed another seven years. I don't know what I'm trying to prove - except that I can stay. And I can. Stay. I can stay. I could stay. I probably will.
First snow today. The air feels crisp. It's still so fun to sleep when it's snowing.
I got my ass together and got a giftcard, dinner, and a cake for S's birthday. And he was upset because K decided to rapid fire text me a bunch of questions right as I was pulling into the driveway and L fell asleep in the backseat and my policy is to let her sleep a half hour if that happens because otherwise what's the point and I didn't text to wish him happy birthday, just asked what he wanted for his birthday dinner because I assumed he was still upset with me from the previous day's Couchgate (and he was) but I'm still supposed to text. And yes, part of me is petty and sassy because for my birthday he didn't really do anything was just around the whole day and we went to Tommy's and that sucked because he didn't want to be there and hated having L there because it was stressful and I used giftcards from my families to buy the Tommy's and the tequila from La Bodega and then he ended up drinking most of that anyway and he got me a mushroom that I absolutely can't use because I can't be altered while I'm the Main Adult On Duty (which I always am) or having to be cohesive for school (which I always do). Fuck man. What if I just didn't do anything for your birthday?
What if I didn't follow you to your room after you huffed away and closed the door and listened to the script you always read from about how you love me and are in love with me and I can still hurt you? Dude, apparently I still love you on some level, but I'm not getting Into It with you anymore. I fucking can't. That's a real shitty thing to do in front of our kid and an unhealthy pattern among other things.
So no. I demonstrate How You Celebrate a Birthday. I follow and hug and ask followup questions about good times for parent-teacher conferences so we can both come. On the transparent side I am candid about the fact that your bed is gross. Because you layer wet towels atop it and leave them there for days on end.
No, I am not any better. I do not always do the dishes and waited until Fall break to clean the house because I just fucking couldn't before then. It's been neuroanatomy out the ASS quite frankly and I don't see that changing anytime soon.
But, one minute list of things that are Okay:
- the snow! It releases something.
- chai cold foam. go try it.
- hugs from L and snuggles and feeling so SO happy about getting to sleep in until 6:15 this morning
- having good coffee around and not having to pay for it
- finally getting a fucking couch I don't hate
One minute list of things I wish I could talk to you about:
- the intersection of autism and adhd in the body and how that looks with L and how I see so much of myself in her
- whether or not you're going to the pumpkin patch with your family this year and how you feel about tha
❄❅❆🌨🏔
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