To be completely transparent I'm way more into Chappell Roan these days, but Aimee Mann certainly still has it going on.
Invited to a discord; but I am an old. So it's all like - wat?
We're brushing the surface of schizophrenia this week. I keep thinking of my twin cousin, P. And T. And wondering about...people I've known.
We're cycling through SSRIs, MOAs, and first generation agents. You don't want too much dopamine production or dopamine just hanging out in the cleft. That's not good. That's cocaine-type stuff. But also, what if you don't make enough dopamine? Or what if you just hoover it up like it's nothing, I guess?
I'm trying to diagnose myself, as if it weren't obvious. I'm getting to where I like to ask people what they're on. And prick up my ears listening to the Mental Podcast Happy Hour. Wellbutrin! The song from Crazy Ex Girlfriend. Fluoxitine! Honestly, I don't know. Maybe Escitalopram was as good as it gets (tm). Just feel like crying but don't cry and also dura mater lightning storm. Oh, your attention? Can't do anything with that. Bye!
I've been crying a good bit lately (this morning over the short films Bao and Float from Pixar - check it out if you need to...well...weep) and that's not the best. But also, needing to cry and not being able to - not the best. Plus I have a few memories of being on Escitalopram and dressing my kid to take a walk in The Wild and deadass crying nevertheless. So maybe it doesn't matter sometimes.
Acknowledgement: hey. Maybe often it does matter. Maybe being on Escitalopram had a direct result in people actually Liking Me or shushing my rejection sensitivity or just putting a damper on all the Big Mad Sad in my head to the extent that hey. I actually maybe accomplished some things in 2019-2020. And people liked me! And now, medication-less, I just hurtle through my life like space debris.
But to be honest there are probably just some more complicated things going on. The real Girl Math is factoring in the hormones related to menstruation and the dumbassery going on around one related to Whatever Complicated Family Dynamics and the Actual World (Whatever That Is). And you know what? Being bad at Thank-You Notes is the least of my personal problems.
Also, I still don't own coasters.
Also, Tyler, if you're ever reading this: my parents have, for reasons of their own, transported the coasters you gave me in 2010 from Arizona to Texas to Alaska and currently have them on display in their house that is also three doors down from my house. And I would like to discuss this with you someday, if only in a "What the fuck?" "Omigod, I KNOW right?" way. Thanks. I'm sorry if I've already posted about that, but I'm not going to back and check. It boggles my mind on the weekly. Surprising that I don't mention it weekly!
But in the meantime, Autumn is in full swing. I have to write (oh no! [j/k I can write some shit like nobody's business]) three paragraphs tomorrow and submit my First Occupational Profile. We're driving to Talkeetna because we're a family goddammit and trying to recapture a certain vibe from 2019. Neuroanatomy is my bete noire and I'm trying to OT myself about it but babe. Just take a look at your flashcards okay (and I did). And I simultaneously do and do not appreciate my family's attempts to bait me with episodes of Wednesday and hairdressing roleplay.
You're doing a good job. Yes you. Okay, bye.
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