Tuesday, September 26, 2023

ELIF

 Well, so, but if I have ADHD but am prone to Schizophrenia because: genetics...am I just fucked then? Because of the dopamine? Also - prone to Alzheimer's. So. Apparently acetylcholine nt generators are in the mix then.

Okay. As you were.

Saturday, September 23, 2023

Autumn Leaves/ Aimee Mann Dreams

 To be completely transparent I'm way more into Chappell Roan these days, but Aimee Mann certainly still has it going on.

Invited to a discord; but I am an old. So it's all like - wat?

We're brushing the surface of schizophrenia this week. I keep thinking of my twin cousin, P. And T. And wondering about...people I've known.

We're cycling through SSRIs, MOAs, and first generation agents. You don't want too much dopamine production or dopamine just hanging out in the cleft. That's not good. That's cocaine-type stuff. But also, what if you don't make enough dopamine? Or what if you just hoover it up like it's nothing, I guess?

I'm trying to diagnose myself, as if it weren't obvious. I'm getting to where I like to ask people what they're on. And prick up my ears listening to the Mental Podcast Happy Hour. Wellbutrin! The song from Crazy Ex Girlfriend. Fluoxitine! Honestly, I don't know. Maybe Escitalopram was as good as it gets (tm). Just feel like crying but don't cry and also dura mater lightning storm. Oh, your attention? Can't do anything with that. Bye!

I've been crying a good bit lately (this morning over the short films Bao and Float from Pixar - check it out if you need to...well...weep) and that's not the best. But also, needing to cry and not being able to - not the best. Plus I have a few memories of being on Escitalopram and dressing my kid to take a walk in The Wild and deadass crying nevertheless. So maybe it doesn't matter sometimes.

Acknowledgement: hey. Maybe often it does matter. Maybe being on Escitalopram had a direct result in people actually Liking Me or shushing my rejection sensitivity or just putting a damper on all the Big Mad Sad in my head to the extent that hey. I actually maybe accomplished some things in 2019-2020. And people liked me! And now, medication-less, I just hurtle through my life like space debris. 

But to be honest there are probably just some more complicated things going on. The real Girl Math is factoring in the hormones related to menstruation and the dumbassery going on around one related to Whatever Complicated Family Dynamics and the Actual World (Whatever That Is). And you know what? Being bad at Thank-You Notes is the least of my personal problems.

Also, I still don't own coasters.

Also, Tyler, if you're ever reading this: my parents have, for reasons of their own, transported the coasters you gave me in 2010 from Arizona to Texas to Alaska and currently have them on display in their house that is also three doors down from my house. And I would like to discuss this with you someday, if only in a "What the fuck?" "Omigod, I KNOW right?" way. Thanks. I'm sorry if I've already posted about that, but I'm not going to back and check. It boggles my mind on the weekly. Surprising that I don't mention it weekly! 

But in the meantime, Autumn is in full swing. I have to write (oh no! [j/k I can write some shit like nobody's business]) three paragraphs tomorrow and submit my First Occupational Profile. We're driving to Talkeetna because we're a family goddammit and trying to recapture a certain vibe from 2019. Neuroanatomy is my bete noire and I'm trying to OT myself about it but babe. Just take a look at your flashcards okay (and I did). And I simultaneously do and do not appreciate my family's attempts to bait me with episodes of Wednesday and hairdressing roleplay.

You're doing a good job. Yes you. Okay, bye.

Monday, September 18, 2023

It's Always On Zoom

 Or Teams. 

I wish I had a greater interest in orthotics. 

I am bleeding!


Saturday, September 16, 2023

Still

- I can still rock the espresso bar. I'm fairly sure. It's like dancing. And much more so than epilepsy appears to be.
- I don't know why my brain's not sticky enough. It makes me sad. Tutoring on Thursday, though. I have no clue what to ask for help with exactly, though? Ugh.
- Sad about the neuro test.
- I love you.
- The Fall is Fall.
- I'm waiting to bleed.
- We're going swimming this afternoon.
- S has quickly reemployed himself (kudos!) but is now making noises like he won't be able to drop L off at school in the morning. Well, we'll see. If he can solve it - great. If not - I just fucking don't know. He wanted me to ask my mom to drop her off. *sigh* Then pivoted to saying he would just ask his parents to do it. (Really? Drive from South to East to Downtown just because you didn't consider your piece of your child's schedule when accepting job offer(s)?) 
- I'll probably end up having to do it. But no. Solve it. Solve it solve it solve it.
- I committed to pick ups. Maybe he wants to switch me. But it doesn't sound like the job he chose will let him get off at 2:00.
- Oh, and he dropped that he'll be traveling out of town with this job too.
- *sigh*
- I understand I'm not doing the best job being a wife and mom and connecting the dots for everyone. I really do! But...what's the point of being in a family if you're not going to be around for them?
- And then there's the piece: "Well, I was waiting for you to tell me that it was all too much so I could come back."
- No? You don't get to remove your presence and then swoop back in and pretend like you're a knight in shining armor saving me...from the very situation you created. That doesn't make sense.
- And he doesn't want to tell my parents that he quit the old job yet (why? Because To will make you help him with his projects and maybe make you do your own?) but he's told his own parents.
- Gurl. This. Is. A. Mess. You know what would have mitigated this whole fucking mess?
- Going to the neighborhood school instead of the one that is deadass 20 minutes away from where we live for which no bus service and no before or aftercare is available. Not that we could really afford it if it were - but you get what I'm saying.

Sunday, September 10, 2023

Just a Quick Word Vomit

We came home from School on Friday to find S on the phone with his boss. Both outside doors open and the backyard gate. He said he'd been pacing for an hour talking (yelling) at his boss and had left the gas card at work and all his Work Stuff that belongs to the company too.

I'll preface this with a few caveats: things have been stressful for S. I know they have been! This is the first job in which he's had to manage other people (one other person) and be the Face of the Company (kind of). But. I'm not sure there's coming back from this. S himself says that he habitually "tells his boss what he thinks and doesn't hold back" and although I agree generally that the company is a hot mess express I'm not sure railing at the person who decides how much money you make after having shouted him into making much more money than you've ever made before is the best way to...be. And having been on the receiving end of...what he's describing...I can all but guarantee that whatever he said wasn't phrased constructively. He's tired of taking supplies to M that he says M keeps forgetting when M is the one doing all the installs. *sigh*

So S probably doesn't have a job anymore. Fucking great. What's also a little sus is that he hasn't mentioned this at all to anyone else in front of me.

Friday night he came home, all of the above happened, then he went downtown to play music with friends (that's fine; I didn't have it in me to be supportive or...react at all really. Maybe I'll write more about why below, maybe not!) and I took L to go swimming because that's what we were already planning on doing and I needed the endorphins, quite frankly. After that I went to my parents just to have a sense of stability in a World Gone Mad.

I didn't mention any of it. Maybe I would have if they'd asked how S's work was going, but they didn't. Around 8:30 he comes by and they do ask him how work is going. He says fine, he says busy.

Last night T and V came over to hang out with the myself, S and L. They ask him how work's going. He says fine, busy, and that it sucks. When they sort of generally ask how things have been going he railroads right over me and says things have been the same, no big changes.

I suppose I should bring it up. But I'm also fucking tired of it.

And yes! I have made some truly terrible decisions when it came to quitting jobs and I'm so grateful I made them in my early 20s versus now! But I'm just baffled. Why wouldn't you at least try a different industry for Chrissakes? This person has been unemployed many times since I've known him. It's just...old. I know people switch jobs all the time (I don't, but I am an old and like to know What To Expect and don't want to take money from my parents particularly). I also know that there have been times where it would have made more sense for S to quit. Like when they asked him to go to Kodiak for six months and he just...did.

It's just there are better ways. And every single time he's brought it up in conversation I have said the exact same thing. Line?: "I support whatever you want to do, just make sure to have something else lined up first."

And you know what? It'll work out or it won't. This is a very specific situation in which I no longer have the same situation going on at work. I will be working part-time at SBUX starting next week, I will still be going to school, and still concerned with the house and with L's school and whatever whatever.

If this impacts the household negatively then I will take steps to dissolve it. Simple as that. And if it doesn't? Then great!

Wow do I ever not like myself. 🤣 But baby, that's about the way I feel.

Tuesday, September 5, 2023

Things Are Kind of Bonkers

- There are only two drugs approved by the FDA for treatment of symptoms that impair autistic peoples' experiences; and those are both antipsychotics.

- Application of psychosocial practice.

- I wonder what N was on? They weren't even five yet.

- Maslow's hierarchy of needs is less useful than he was hoping. Bet.






Sunday, September 3, 2023

You do what you do. But what does that LOOK like on days I open?

5:00: wake up, shower, eat, go to work
5:30-10:30: snackwork
10:30-11:00: eat, commute home
11:00 - 12N: nap
12N - 1:30: homework/lectures/readings
1:30 - 1:45: commute time
1:45 - 2:30: workout
2:30 - 2:45: commute school
2:45 - 4:00: quality time with Leona
4:00 - 4:30: pickup groceries, commute home
4:30 - 5:30: dinner, cleanup
5:30 - 9:30: homework/lectures/readings
9:30 - 10:00: maybe bath/bedtime routine
10:00 - 5:00: sleep

..and then aim for 10 hours of sleep on the weekend/days with more flexibility.

Saturday, September 2, 2023

At Least Season Two of WoT is FINALLY OUT.

 There was so much darkness in 2014 me. Looking back at pictures from that time...Facebook didn't broadcast it. Even now, Facebook doesn't say much that's intimate, really. 

A couple of weeks ago K said, "So, go see Rocky Horror if you love it. Don't be in Rocky Horror." Oh, right. Sorry I have to be parented like that. Sigh.

Sometimes you can get a headache when the meninges contract; specifically the dura. There are no nociceptors in your brain. You lucky duck.

Maybe it's not so much that my memory is shit on SSRI's, but more that I can't access information I've learned off SSRI's as well when I'm on them and vice-versa. Oh well. Maybe over Christmas we can mess with the chemistry again.

If I were me and you were you...I wouldn't want me anywhere near you. I'd feel protective-like.

Watched Blue Valentine last night. Found some song lyrics too, written, lain on the couch, then the kitchen table. 

S has been making music again - which is good. I'm all about occupations, if you hadn't noticed.

I don't know why Michelle Williams doesn't typically make movies where she has a good time of it. 

I don't know why I have such trouble feeling good about my own occupations. I have such trouble with them. 

We went to the fair yesterday, just me and L. It went better than expected! We ran into D from my cohort. It feels like life is a movie. I know the brain just notices the things it has more access and focus on and for me right now that's school and the buds of seasonal affective disorder.

Better shower then drive for a couple of hours. There's a lecture I think I would have really liked if I hadn't sped through it yesterday in a half-day panic. I'll listen to that while delivering.