Green Ajah

 I have to start getting ready and getting the kids up soon and today is a makeup day, so. That will take an extra whole five minutes! 😅

But first: I'm supposed to journal every day this week. Even if it's just for nine minutes. So here we go. No-delete Mondays.

I'm joining the cult of OT and this is the initiation week. I assume it'll go better than the last time I tried to join an academic cult. Because I thought it wasn't a cult, didn't understand what I was getting myself into, and it generally wasn't the...best personality fit? It was such a long time ago, too.

20 years ago. 20 years ago I was sixteen and getting ready for college. And what did that mean? I didn't know. There's a shit ton I don't know about this time too. But at least -

Fuck. S is messing with the morning schedule in an attempt to be helpful.

I should have expected that.

The point I was meandering towards was that when I read the Wheel of Time series as a teenager I always thought I'd choose the Green Ajah but now I'm not so sure and it feels like I'm joining an Ajah because everyone in my cohort is female except for one person.

Okay, bye.

Ah, yes.

 Wait until the morning of the day I'd committed to modeling and then get pissy about the entire idea - even though it's been on the calendar and I've told you verbally two days ago. Excellent.

...it's going to be a few hours until I calm down.

The Media Post and Reviews

 Playing: Pentiment. I'm sure I'll get back to Persona 5 someday! A pretty great intersection of things I have cursory interest in: monks n' that, art n' that, social justice lite, and Christian history. I'm spending too much time jumping at quest requests versus exploring the game-scape, so maybe I'll go back and investigate all the things that, according to Reddit, I missed at a later date. Or maybe I'll be ovaries deep in school and work. Probably that one.

Watching: e-orientation for Creighton University and that new season of Bluey; also Powerpuff Girls because that's how my kid rolls. On occasion, I've been watching episodes of The Cleaner and re-watched In the Mood for Love. At the end he whispers a secret into a hole in a pillar at...you know what? I don't know exactly where. It suggested ruins of a Buddhist temple to my mind, but as likely as not that's not true. But I suppose that's just something humans do, no matter who or where or when they live.

Audiobooks: A Mother's Reckoning (good, a hard listen and certainly paints a vivid picture of the time and place. I can think of legion families and, specifically, moms like Dylan Klebold's mom. And, although I remember chunks of 90's history including Columbine, Jon Benet Ramsey, Tonya Harding, 9/11, etc. It certainly cast new light on Columbine. And was somewhat disheartening, although I guess every parent needs to know that, look, you can do everything right as far as you know, but there's still some [or a lot] of shit that you don't know about your kids. You simply can't control everything.)  Fair Play (I love the ideas, and am going to try to sell it at some point in early August over a burger date at Tommy's Burger Stop. Gamifying stuff tends to help me, but then there the Need for Novelty, and huge issues on my part with communication and follow through. So we'll try and the project manager parts of my heart fucking love the systems, and that's it and that's all [imagine I said that like Billy Crystal in Throw Momma From the Train])...I don't know why I can't fuck with fiction as much anymore. I'm sure there's a good reason, though! 

Regular-ass reading: A Dress For Mrs. 'arris (I recall reading this when I was a wee sprog of twelve or eleven or something; it's a fun, easy read so far and 'orribly classist. But from thence springs most of the appreciation I have for sewing and pretty costumes. That is most definitely a from afar thing, though. I get whiny at the very thought of costuming, tbh.)

Podcasts: The Clearing (lots of Southern accents and a serial killer horrible dad: 10/10 do recommend. The narrator is just, like this guy, named Josh from any town America, which took me aback at first, but ended up being a great counterpoint to the overall narrative. Caused me to consider what it must have been like for my dad growing up; as far as I know nobody in my family on that side was ever a serial killer, but a) that's not something I'd know; my mom would, maybe you should ask her? b) they were pretty terrible people notwithstanding; just last night my dad remarked that all of his grandfathers were "monsters". Cool. Cool cool cool.)

Love Is All Around

 The show last night was the MOST fun. Periodt. I did a Camilla the chicken piece that was pretty 🔥 I think you would have liked it.

There was also a Baywatch number that was hilarious, and a lot of rockabilly vibes. I just…sometimes I feel like my life is pretty amazing.

And other times, of course the physical pressure of CPTSD is truly crushing. 

But today the sun’s finally out and, although I can tell the chemicals in my body feel like dopamine crash, it was pretty lovely last night. 

I have the kids at the jump park to give S a break. There’s a girl who’s just hermit-crabbed up in one of the block pits and just pops out to throw blocks at anyone who enters her lair. I wonder how long she’s been there.

Pieces Of Pieces Of Pieces Of Me

 I’m supposed to write…letters to my parts from my adult self with one hand. And vice versa with the other.

Quick Beni Hana Parts Inventory:

- the part that always wants to leave

- the part that’s always judging. You. Me. Everyone.

- the part that’s always angry.

- the part that’s romantic

- the part that wants things to be perfect (likes counting, when things are organized, etc.)

- the teenage boy

- the anorexic girl

- lots of younger ones; I don't have much trouble connecting to my child-self for better or worse.

...I'm sure there's more, but I haven't really gone to the meeting place inside me in a while, although I do vaguely recall it.

There's a long table in a tent. Think warm tones, billowing silk scarf-like texture for the tent. The light is warm, bordering on red. There's an old-fashioned projector at one end of the tent. And that's used for meetings...like if they want to discuss a decision - something like that.

There's a resort that I'm supposed to send parts to when it's "time for them to go to bed". It's how I imagine Greece looks. Bright blue skies, stark white everywhere. Visually tidy. Rooms with everything the parts need when they need comfort.

There's probably a play or a dance piece in there somewhere.

Hard to Watch Because It's Hard to Live Through

I recall using a depression and anxiety workbook, like, fifteen years ago when I was living in Arizona. I still have it, actually. I wonder if they make one for borderline personality disorder?

The kids have begun story boarding episodes of a web series (?) they're working on. It's been awesome to see them working together. Developing characters (kind of!) and problem-solving for shooting needs. That reminds me - I need to put duct tape on the shopping list. So, you know, they can duct tape a phone to the tallest one's torso. 

Also, I need the duct tape to seal up the kiddie pool we got for free on the local Buy Nothing Group (have you heard of these? I hadn't until earlier this year. It's pretty boss.) for a) summer fun and b) to use in creating a dust bath for my "How Camilla Got Her Groove Bawk" number on Saturday.

Reading has been a yuck, lately. Just like the weather, I guess. The one nice day I spent outside mowing the lawn and read back for all that jazz. But I have had some success gaming myself to do Tasks by putting in earbuds and listening to low stakes Netflix shows and podcasts on my phone. What a time to be alive. I have In An Orchard Grown From Ash because of the cover and I've been reading that here and there, but it's the second in a series, I guess? And translated from The Russian. So that's been impacting.

I don't mind either of these things, and there's some definite Game of Thrones nods going on. Like one of the main ones has decided to raise her consort from the dead dooming the entire WoRlD to eternal winter. Unless she decides to go take-backs and (re)kill the consort.

Where my media's at right now: The Circle (all of the seasons; unobjectionable-ish, doesn't matter what's going on, just enough Gen-Z speak to make me feel like I'm gussied up, duded-up, getting down, and where it's at), The Queer Ultimatum (still love lesbian drama from afar, I'm just not as EXTRA about it these days, I guess? Still and all there's some OOF moments, because of: oh, I do that. Oh THEY do that. Oh. OH NO. And then being just, like, tired at the end of it. But, there ain't nobody perfect and believe ya'll she's/they're worth it, I guess?), and Why Can't We Talk About Amanda's Mom? (a little unsatisfying conclusion-wise, but overall good and look, listen. Life's like that? Literally all the damn time? So.). 

Waiting on Fair Play to come in on Libby, as well as the Columbine mom's book, and The Body Knows the Score. Not that I'm really going to want to listen to that, probably. I own the physical version of the book and the problem is not that I don't believe the premise of the book (I 400% do) but that the way it's presented is dense. And given that I don't need persuading.... You know?

Anyway, bye. I have to go figure out what the fuck is going on with Margins of Error. 

Hope you have some extra time off this weekend and it's not too hot wherever you are.

I Don’t Miss What I Miss

 - ...but I do miss my exit. 20% of the time.

- the card I pulled for today was the Ace of Cups. And BOY DID IT FUCKING DELIVER.

- The Boys are trying to teach L how to play laser tag upstairs while S is out jamming with his band-but-not-a-band.

- Lot of crying today; I keep thinking this is the final straw. No, this is. And today it was taking L without telling me while I was mowing the lawn to "teach me a lesson" all Arrested Development-style. And not thinking that this was a big a deal as it was to me. Panic. Screaming her name. Buckling her into the car. Saying, "Well, that's how fast you turn your back."

- So glad I'm charge of care-taking all of your children in a variety of settings, many of which are public. Eight years in. Great vote of confidence there, bud.

- I honestly don't know that I'll ever feel safe in this partnership. And maybe it'll never be because of anything big. But probably? I'll never feel safe. And it will accumulate over time. And then...*sound of implosion*.  Because nothing [clap emoji] will be able to change [clap emoji] until he [clap emoji] goes to therapy [clap emoji] and also [clap emoji] we go [clap emoji] to therapy [clap emoji] together [clap emoji].

- Not trying to be mean. But I don't have much patience left anymore either. And I'm very reactive.

- Several other people have shared the same concerns S has (about me) as regards "being sad when there's nothing to be sad about". Which is, I think, in actuality processing experiences after they happen because when they're happening doesn't tend to be a good time. I shake it off using a mixture of irritability, tears, and, ideally, physicality. Ranging from my parents to my significant others to, to a lesser extent, my friends.

- My mom said at one point, "You don't need to react that way. You'd think we beat you, Clara." Well. Uh. 

- Sometimes I wonder if I have FASD. I was a surprise baby. Maybe. And my mom talks about how she carried a corkscrew around in her purse. 

- Anyway. It was the first beautiful day of the year. And it was a Saturday. Who can argue with that?