One of my preschool families brought me a beautiful flower arrangement yesterday. And although I still don't technically love getting flowers, I could appreciate the thought. And Leels has sure as heck been appreciating getting the chance to pull them out and investigate them. I still haven't taken the time to cut the stems and put the food in and do the things so that they look tres elegant and whatever, because somehow it took all the time in the world to do dishes and take stabs at gathering more of the information I need for recent expectations for adulting.
But it occurred to me last night that this will somehow be a problem.
These flowers.
Just like the artichoke incident of 2017.
Just like...whatever else.
So I'm taking a minute to journal this morning.
My husband asked if I wanted to separate on Wednesday morning. Now, as you know (if anyone is reading this consistently), this isn't a baseless question. But it is a complicated one. I'll spare the details (not forever, probably, but for now), but these flowers? Are going to be a problem.
He's been staying at his mom's house since then; picked up his clothes (not all of them). Not been wanting to talk (which is understandable, but not helpful). And not been checking in on his kid.
I'm going to be unemployed-ish in about 20 working hours and three calendar days, and Leels' birthday is on Saturday. We were supposed to sit down and figure out about insurance for himself and the kid on Wednesday night. Guess what didn't happen?
*sigh*
I'm sure the timing could be worse, but I mean.... Not great?
So assuming he does come back at some point in the next couple of weeks there may be flowers about. Which will be a problem. Because he will believe it to mean I've been having an affair. When really it just means I was a pretty awesome preschool teacher with really awesome families.
- My therapist suggested making sort of a costs versus benefits analysis when we did talk.
- My mom suggested siccing my dad on him
- I don't think his parents are aware, but if they are they haven't shared their insights with me.
Point being, things are not okay. I'm so busy I need to barf (as usual). And the thoughts flitting through are usual short and on the acidic side. I can't say any of them to him. Because...why? It would just hurt a lot. It wouldn't fix anything. And he doesn't want to talk.
My behavior in this particular relationship hasn't been anything especially wonderful. So I don't feel victimized. I do feel disappointed. My behavior in this particular relationship hasn't been anything especially heinous. And I mean, it has been in past ones. But this one? More something that held up a mirror to my own behaviors that I wanted gone. Useful-ish.
But as of today? I still feel very neutral. It could go either way. It depends a lot on him. But it depends a lot on if we can now (or ever) be partnered. Eight years and you'd think we would be. But we're very much in a parallel play stay because that's what feels safest. Because we've both made each other feel unsafe in various ways over the years.
My adult self keeps mentioning that what would be best is finding the template of the partnership and family I want and that would be healthiest all around, and figuring out how far away we are and what it would take to get there. Then setting a time limit and proceeding from there.
Another part says yes, and whether you continue to stay legally married or not will be entirely up to him. Because you didn't necessarily want to get married for yourself anyway. It was something for him. And if it's not working for him anymore then he can jolly well take care of it himself.
Amongst the wall of text sent was the question: what are you going to do? The short answer (which I did not send) was...nothing. I didn't initiate it (I don't think? That's just my perspective, though). And as much as I see that he might not have the mental energy to...be around, I guess? Pulling the trigger on something like this is not happening.
While I certainly have been listening to too much "Something Was Wrong" lately, all this could very well be in actuality a tactic to Make Me Do Something He Doesn't Have the Guts Or Executive Function For. Like with my last relationship with Scott? When he passively feinted around until I finally ended things?
Well, we have a child. So if he would like to not be around for her - that's his choice and it needs to be very clear that he's the one making it. His two sons are arriving in (checks watch) one week and two days. So if he wants to completely fuck over any sense of stability they have while they're here? Again. On him.
Alternatively, it could also be a tactic to make me agree to move in with his parents. And if I don't I get to be the bad guy! Well, moving in with them doesn't change the floor plan of their house. And it takes an awful lot of pressure off of him to do things that might make their lives easier - like install ramps and a chair lift.
He also hasn't cancelled the friend get-together on Tuesday, which I think is very telling. Although he does like to pick fights right after we have a nice time hanging out with other adults! 🙄
Anyway. Have a fun Friday! I gotta go do statistics homework before picking up cupcakes for my kid's school birthday.
Ciao.
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