Jackie’s

 I’ve been pulling a tarot card every morning as a brief focusing device, I think. Sometimes they’re a little on the nose, sometimes ominous. Like the day I had a final I pulled the 7 of Cups: choose carefully! …yeah, I got that, thanks.

Or the day I got to go to the admitted students day: 10 of cups inverted. Normally that means all your wishes will come true, but inverted means greed. So I suppose I’m still waiting to see what that means exactly.

Well, today it was Strength. So I’m waiting to see how  supposed to be strong and Jackie’s Strength is playing in my head off and on.

I guess I’m fully expecting people to come after me today, although it hasn’t happened so far. 

Husband for choosing to go home last night instead of staying over at the in-law. Bruh, Sunday night is not “spending the weekend” and I don’t pay a frikkin’ mortgage to not be in my house.

Idk. I’ve had a lot of accusations lobbed at me over the years. Lots of: “You’ve spent so much time being single you don’t know how to be in a relationship”. Lots of “I don’t want you here if you aren’t happy to be here”.  Oh, and laundry. Lots of kickback about that. But in my current partnership I’m the only one to do laundry at all most of the time the vast majority. 

While I don’t have a simple answer per se about any of that as far as: here is why I am so awful at being partnered, it isn’t because I’ve spent much time single. I’ll tell you that for free.

I recall having the conscious thought in my teens that I would just have to have a relationship, but that it was also something I would need to “work around”. Perhaps from seeing my parents I realized that it would be somewhat unpleasant but probably necessary.

There was probably an element of attraction/repulsion there too. Wanting autonomy but never prior really having had it, so holding onto it like life depended on it. Listening to too much Dr. Laura growing up. 

And scenes from Lifetime movies coming unbidden to me. 

There was an episode of Unladylike in which one of the guests said something along the lines of there being a point at which (in marriages, specifically) you had yo put down the puzzle pieces of WHY you chose the person/dysfunctions you did and simply start living the life in front of you.

And that certainly is a recurring theme for me. This is your life - go live it.

And yet there is something or multiple somethings that seem often to pull me somewhere else. Being somewhat (or very) woo, I tend to think it something metaphysical. 

Ancestors, dead brothers, the parts of my life I cannot remember that curl themselves in shorthand around the things I can and speak loudest from the past and the future and the far.

Okay, bye. Go have yourself a good Monday. 8 days and counting.