I had a feeling so I went through S's phone this morning. Well, just the most recent text thread, really. He'd been texting with someone he used to know from when he played music, and seemed to be enjoying it (laughing to himself while cooking in the kitchen; no crime there). Last night, around 8:45 PM he started talking in a way that led me to believe he was working towards opening our relationship. I was right. I don't want to do that. We ended up talking/arguing until midnight. I specifically asked him if he had a crush on anyone and was this why he was talking about this now? Lots of tears. Him angry. Me angry. We reached a point of exhaustion and settled down for the night. He spooned me, it actually felt okay. Nice even!
I still didn't feel okay. Still shaky. Still sick. I got three hours of sleep and called it at 4:00 AM. I slowly fed H and decided to drive to Eagle River for coffee. Beautiful day, sunshine, mountains, mist on the river, etc.
I got back. L got up. S got up and seemed okay. He rousted N out of bed (he arrived yesterday) and started cooking some eggs. He checked his phone a few times and seemed to be texting someone, and laughing. I asked what was funny?
"I'm texting someone."
More laughter. Voice-to-text "Puerto Ricans". Again, what was funny?
"Oh, I'm texting K. We're talking about how she doesn't date white guys."
Okay. He's talked about K before. Someone from when he played music years ago.
S takes N and H on a walk through the neighborhood so I can...study I guess? But I don't (I'm having trouble with that lately due to being a fucking emotional mess).
I just...have a feeling. So I pick up his phone. I know the passcode, he knows mine. It's not a secret. Last night at 6:twenty something - almost 1.5 ass hours before he attempted to have a conversation with me he told K that we were "moving toward opening the relationship" and in previous texts they talked about having crushes (at least, him on her) way back when, and he asked "Are we flirting?"
Now in the conversation last night I made it painfully clear (Many, many repetitions) That I do not want an open relationship. I can barely handle the one I’m in, and we are so shaky right now and have so much goddamn trouble communicating that incorporating other people would be a war crime. To be clear, I’m not against Polyamory writ Large, it’s just not something I want to explore at this time. And I especially do not want to be having this conversation five weeks postpartum thanks. (Although, to be fair, I was the one who asked S If he was heading towards asking about opening the marriage during the conversation, but it’s a good thing I did. Because, see above.)
Now, nowhere in the conversation that S had with K this morning mentioned that he talked to me and that actually, no, we’re not opening the marriage. This morning, specifically there were just some low-key, pretty harmless, but still flirtatious texts about how she doesn’t date white men. It’s important to note at this point that S is not a white man.
So, for that reason, shaking with anger, I texted her back a quick note about how I was S’s wife, and that no, as a matter of fact, I’m not comfortable with opening the marriage. And that we talked about it last night, and that he only brought it up after he talked to her about it. She was basically like, OK thanks. Sorry! And I signed off with something about trust being broken, hope she understands and take care, and she reciprocated that.
When S and N got back from the walk with H I was livid, still shaking, and we immediately went upstairs to argue some more. I don’t know, man. It took a direct verbal prompting for him to apologize for it and, like 45 minutes of talking for him to at all, admit that he saw how I could have an issue with it. Which, to be clear was the timing, explicitly telling me the night before that he did not have a crush on anyone, and this, evidently not being true, and him not prioritizing telling her that our marriage wasn’t open first thing in the morning instead going on to flirt with her.
We talked about a lot of the same old things. But one kind of new thing we talked about was what it is. He likes/loves about me. Because I hear that he loves me Often, but it sure doesn’t feel like it. And, I mean, he said the same about me. So I’m sure that’s a factor. But what was interesting was that when he listed off what he loves about me they were all things that I either do for him, or sex basically. I asked if you liked my personality, and He started to explain in detail. I cut him off, though, maybe I shouldn’t have, and asked for a yes or no. And he said no. And… That tracks.
And most of our “discussions“ it tends to come back to what I’m doing wrong, what I want to take responsibility for, and the ways in which he’s right and I’m wrong. And maybe that’s pretty common for most fights. But I somehow don’t think so. I don’t want to throw the N-word around, but it does kind of feel like either. He’s a narcissist or he fucking hates me. And just wants to be around because he’s benefiting from me.
So, Clara, why are you still here with this man? Because I have a fucking five week old. And I just want him to fix the damage he’s done. And…maybe that’s a lost cause.
Formatting is shite because this is mostly voice to text
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