Despite S's reductive stance on inter-gender friendships, he now has at least three women in his life who I think I would characterize as friends. And you know what? I'm all for it. These are only through AA, as of now, but I'm hopeful for the future. I don't want to be all like: see? See? Does it not expand your perspective and bring goodness into your life and not make everything about sex and power? But also: I do! I do want to gloat a bit.*
Sort of related: the wife of the man he most recently had a freakout about who have a daughter who was in ...you know what? I'm just going to link it HERE. (Edit 12/9/25: Wow did I not proofread. Fixed now, but Yeezus, sorry!) Okay. That situation, right? The wife brings her other kid to OT at the my current fieldwork site and wow is it awkward. She hasn't outright asked, "So, why haven't you responded to my husband about a playdate for our kids since we live in the same neighborhood?" But we're both thinking about it very loudly. And I blush and make small talk and want to die of embarrassment. I've done many similar things on my own time without any interference from S, but rest assured - those other things were embarrassing too. THE CRINGE.
A quote I came across while completing The Scoping Literature Table o' Doom: "...a writer and philosopher, Herman Hesse reckoned that: “essentially, people express freedom only in their choice of dependency.”
Which: sure. Who among us, amirite?
We were talking (read: I was monologuing) about The Logistics of childcare and how I was relieved New Kid has gotten into infant care in a good daycare hereafter to be referred to as Hplace (*swish*)** which will cost us $2,000 a month (yes, you read that right) but still and S got a bit quiet and hurt and reiterated that he wanted to stay home with the baby. Which...*sigh*. That's good, right? This is what we want?
Except for that I have a nagging feeling about it. And while at first I couldn't really put my finger on it as I was talking to M (student friend; at the same fieldwork with me) about it, she said, "...didn't he forget L at home like 9 months ago?" Which...actually? Yes. Yes to the forgot thing not the 9 months thing. So that's kind of a Factor in this column. As is the feeling I constantly have where look; nothing in life is guaranteed especially not that S will do what he says he's going to do. And while I don't have Big Feelings about it at the moment due to generalized busyness, meds, and whatever hormones pregnancy is throwing my way I do remember it. In my bones. So yeah: I'm gonna need to plan for the worst and hope for the best here.
And, I thought I wrote about it at some point, but a quick search revealed differently - my witchy aunt had a dream in January 2024 about my daughter telling me to take extra care and protect her from "someone unsavory around her while unattended". She said someone was supposed to be watching her for a little while and that she was at their house which was very cluttered and messy (which honestly sounds as much like my house as not) with a lot of chaos. Many random strangers were roaming around coming in and out of the house and a man she didn't recognize sleeping in the bedroom amongst all the mess. And that I was very upset she'd been left alone.
And perhaps that's hokum. And perhaps it does not refer to S specifically or all men writ large or anything. But she was left home alone about 6 months later.
Okay, I'm going to transition my brain back to the real-real now. Last day of fieldwork today! Two more interventions (or maybe three!) A rat's nest of paper to clear out! One laminating job! Figuring out dinner before picking L up and heading to a School Function tonight in which she sings about tailors and mice (I think???)! And psyching myself up for a playdate tomorrow afternoon. Woo to the hoo. Let's go, 6-7 and all that.
- considerations around childcare; S versus Hplace versus a secret third place.
*As far as I know these friendships have not actually changed his opinion on friendships between genders, however.
**And Hplace is only Plan A because it's what's panned out so far. I have a Plan B in the works which doesn't even involve S staying home. Most of the time I am Type C but with some very specific parts of life I am very much Type A, thanks. Look! A three-year-plan and a chart!
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