First Sleepover!

She had her first sleepover ever last night and boy am I tired! She’s conked out in the car now. And I’m waking her up in two minutes to go to Costco 🫠 

Amazing how much you can get done with just…time confetti.

Um so

 YESTERDAY S said that his younger son (N) is failing some classes; to which S said, “You should cheat.” 

Mind. Blown.

Brains don't like blood all up in there.

- "Look, it's not our fault you missed your exit. We did everything we could for you." 

- I've been told unequivocally that An American Tail is ToO sCaRy by the same child who loves watching The Digital Circus. I guess losing your parent on a steamer ship while emigrating just hits too close to home? She's not wrong, though. And the little bit we got through was pretty heartbreaking; how many in your party emigrating? 5! Oh, wait, no. 4. One of the kids didn't make it, followed closely by "Papa, why did they change my name to Tilly?" *sigh*

- Grinding my teeth, talking in my sleep, blowing bubbles with my lips..allegedly. Allegedly allegedly.

- Am I failing. Am I failing you?

- Submitted the list last night; I guess now I let go and let Gaia. 

- I hope you're well.

- It's snowing here.

- Today I made myself a triple blonde white mocha with one pump each of brown sugar, apple brown sugar, cinnamon dolce and gingerbread with oat milk. I know. It's a lot.

A Double Edged Sword Indeed

 I spilled coffee on my computer yesterday. I think I would be losing my shit were I still in my mid-20s. As it is, I'm okay. It's annoying, but there's a special kind of autopilot that gets unlocked in your 30s where parts of one's brain kick in and a cascade of if/then options peels off and you do The Things You Have To. Well, mostly.

My executive functioning is certainly not All That. But I do okay in semi-emergencies, for sure.

God. She loves swimming. I like being in the water, but not swimming. 

I have to submit my list o' destiny in a few days. I'm going to try a candle spell, I think. I don't do a lot of magic anymore. 

Things I don't do that I want to do/wanted to do/thought I'd do:

- magic

- have an altar

- observe the turning of the year

- share my beliefs joyfully with my kid(s)

- cook

- have family dinner every night

- clean sort of intensively weekly

- work out five times a week

- split child care tasks in a predictable way with my co-parent

...back when we were looking for a house (and when I thought change was possible; I suppose it still is, but I don't feel it - you know?) I imagined things like game nights every week. Movie nights. Task splitting on the weekends - I might take the kids in the mornings Saturday and Sunday and then one afternoon would be for cleaning (my chores!) and the other afternoon would be for relaxing. And then he'd get to do the same, just in reverse. But it hasn't quite happened. And I've just lost interest, I think.

I still feel like things should be different, but as to how? I don't know where to start. Maybe major upheaval is what is needed.

In which case should I do magic at all? Or should I just let it take its course - whatever that is. The moon is waning, anyway. How likely is it that it'll work, you know?

But - I have to be able to say that at least I tried. Right?

Several million assignments due; three final exams; two more labs; one more presentation; one kinda beefy paper.

Wish me luck, sirs.

Do you know what's fucking weird?

 I sign L up for swimming lessons. I do this at a particular swimming club because the rest of them are full up for the following month. (Swimming is a very popular activity in Anchorage.) I realize about a week after doing this that one particular person is in charge of the swimming club. This is a person who had, in the past, messaged me on Facebook messenger several years ago as though continuing a conversation - but I don't recall ever having a conversation with them. I never responded. He messaged me again, in a similar fashion two-to-three years later. I never messaged him back about that either. He comes through the drive-through the week before lessons are to start and awkwardly throws ones at me when he realizes who I am. And we? We are going to swim lessons every week with nary a word between us or eye contact. That's one fucking weird thing. Does this type of thing happen to you?

Otherwise, it's not very weird. Just post-election quiet. Just 60 more days of democracy. Hope everybody liked it while it lasted!

We were talking...around...talking politics at work and two people said that they don't think it's very professional.... But it's not very professional because it can devolve. If people can be respectful then it works. But...yeah. It's kind of beyond differing points of view and in some very dark territory at the moment.

And how do you have a conversation with somebody who doesn't see what the problem is? It's almost like...where and how do I begin? How is it not obvious? Maybe you don't want to have the conversation because it's not a conversation, it's you thinking I'm a crybaby because I'm terrified about the condition of the country! That's not a conversation, that's infantilizing another adult because they have feelings like a...person.

Anyway I (we?) have got to figure out what's happening next summer. There are only two sites in Alaska. While it's technically possible for me to get one of them, it doesn't seem very likely. If I don't, then it'll be somewhere in the Lower 48. So I'll need my Real ID and/or passport. And so will L, I guess? So then it will be down to whether S can get the house ready to go to try and rent out or whether I go with L and...maybe my mom? I feel like she might come with us? I'm not fucking leaving her. That's right off the table. 

The future just keeps getting murkier. When I stop to think about it, one of the phrases I've seen written is: bad timeline. This is the bad timeline. 

Maybe I missed my window. I do get glimpses of thing every now and again that lead me to believe that life still has some silver linings. Just...nobody talk to me about Nazis or America, please. I can't. 

I really don't know...

 ...how we're going to survive this. I feel sick. I am in mourning. I have cried three times today. I have a headache. I am genuinely not sure how I'm functioning. 

But the day pushes me onward.