The dreams have been intense and immersive lately. Hm. Probably the moon. They don't portend anything particularly catastrophic. No, no. The news does that.
Have you watched Lost Women of Alaska on HBO Max? It's pretty good. It's very sad. True. And- I hope more people see it, because it's any important topic. But also maybe don't watch it if you're maxed out on Sad Shit That Happens to Women. Which some days - I am.
It occurred to me recently that I might go into early labor. I have no reason to think this. The fetus has been behaving herself like any good stowaway and it doesn't really seem like it. Because it's not something I really can predict I did what I sometimes still do (and used to do a lot). Pull tarot cards! However it's hard to really trust the answer - and not even just for the regular reasons - but because every time I try to pull cards for the fetus The Hermit comes up. And then the 4 of Wands. Hermit, 4 of Wands, Hermit, 4 of Wands. It's kind of funny.
Me: <<specific question>>
Her: Hermit
Me: I know, but what about <<specific question>>?
Her: Oh! lol. 4 of Wands.
Me: Okay, but I said -
Her: Hermit. Definitely Hermit.
And so on.
I'm properly annoyed with Site 3 of my capstone now and, although the circumstances that make this so are probably unavoidable and impersonal, I still find myself with The Feels because my nervous system fucking hates ambiguity. What do I mean by that? Good question. I'm supposed to be running groups at this site, but this has been made difficult because: the site is in a secured building which I do not have access to without An Adult, there is only one Adult who works at the site and they do not work in a terribly predictive pattern which in turn is due to life circumstances that cannot be avoided. The site has not advertised the series at all with the exception of putting one flyer (flier?) up in the window of a neighboring nonprofit, and there seems to be some political shit happening between the municipal and state branches of this site which make me wonder if this was even a good idea in the first place? I am pivoting and recording videos for them to use which I may then just post online for the helluvit (without my face because the [presumed] 'tism is pretty visible on camera), so things are still happening, but I am still just.... I don't know. It's hard for me to hold 2+ eventualities in my head at a time, if that makes sense? Like, physically uncomfortable? Like the suspense of if someone might show up is worse than if I know nobody's going to or I know somebody is? There's also the remote possibility that this situation might be exacerbated by the Adult having been let go from the same burlesque company I am (still, somehow) in and maybe having some big feelings about that? I am neutral as fuck about the whole thing, but dang do I know how that feels. It's probably not that last, burlesqu-y factor. But if it is - wild.
We went swimming on Saturday and it was packed. Like: a public swimming pool in the 90s packed. But we soldier on, so we got in the warm pool and I start floating around like the manatee I (proudly) am. Then, L swims up to me, "I think there's poop in the pool." Oh shit. So I look and it's a soft maybe. It's not floating exactly, it's smaller than a bean larger than a grain of rice. We decide to tell the lifeguard. Nobody wants it to be poop. Not on a Saturday (the day of birthday parties). After a few more inspections, me attempting to dive for it but being unable to grasp it with a glove on the lifeguard gets a net and scoops it up. Guess what? Yes. It's poop. Clear the pool! We have both ruined Saturday and are poop heroes! It be like that sometime.
The paragraph about S: as of Monday he achieved being one year sober from alcohol 🎊. The day before that he sat down to tell me (as I was playing Stardew Valley - honestly not a bad time to choose) that he has actually been back on marijuana since October. This kind of tracks...but I truly didn't know. And I have some complex feelings about that that I'll be processing for a while. The second thing he told me (later in the day on Sunday) was that he's now okay with me having male friends, in part because he's realizing how much he's benefitted from having female friends over the past year.
So that's quite a mixed bag of news. I'm extremely happy about the first and last parts of all that but, as always, concerned about the longterm veracity of it. Is this truly a permanent shift in perspective? If not, am I prepared to deal with the whiplash? Because I absolutely do not intend on waffling around on this like a damn...waffle. One of the reasons I was cited was that he's noticed I'm having a hard time right now (true; see all those journal entries), and I'm not leaning on my in-person friends/having a hard time being a friend to my in-person friends (also true, bit of a chronic problem, though, less circumstantial than it may seem - also pretty much entirely my fault) so perhaps it's not so bad to have a wider support system. So my question is: if one or both of those things were to change would this offer (?) be retracted? Am I being told about the marijuana on the eve of his alcohol sobriety anniversary because "She can't be mad at me about that, because I'm a year alcohol sober!"?
So, as always, things be complicated. But maybe...just maybe...things are looking up in March. At least, aside from current events. <<brief thousand-yard stare>> Ahem. But I do notice an immediate shift in how I feel about life having been told that "Hey - it's sanctioned for you to be yourself, have autonomy, volition, etc.". Not that permission is supposed to come from anyone outside myself, mind you. But circumstances being what they have been - it's an improvement.
Okay. TTYL (goddess willing)!
