Things I Suck At These Days

• Cooking.  I just don't.  It doesn't make much difference if I'm supposed to want to be cooking or whatever.  I just don't.  I throw my hands up in the air and drink some tequila and then go watch I Am Love or Mostly Martha and fantasize about feeling that way again.

• Working it out on the dance floor.  This is the part where the record breaks down/ yadda yadda yadda/ I just don't want to get dry-humped on the dance floor because I'm boss at shaking my money-maker while the chick who's actually with the dude who's dry-humpin' me stares daggers at me and I am trying to keep my no-barfight-free lifestyle intact, okay?  Plus when that one guy was  "dancing" with me and I could feel him getting kind of hard and All The Drunk Overly Aggressive Peoples.  Probably just gonna work it out on the dance studio and give everybody a fake name at da club whenevers I get talked into going.  Anastasia Beaverhausen?  That work?
  
• Calling my brother.  Sorry, bro.  I love you I just don't know when a good time to call is.  Maybe we should just rekindle the relationship we had were he'd text me at 4 AM.
  
• Sleeping.  Haven't we all been going through something lately?  And isn't that something constant daylight?  Yes and yes.  I've also been having twilight dreams and waking up every few hours, having trouble getting to sleep initially, unsettling dreams, etc.
  
• Dieting.  I'm not sure what changed (five weeks off the wagon?), but it's been hella hard to get in the habit of monitoring my food intake.  Some moderate success with reducing alcohol consumption.  Very moderate.
  
• Venting about my "personal" life to real-life people.  You know.  Even when given the opportunity, being hinted at broadly and given the Kristen Wiig eyes, I can't seem to do it.
  
  Querent:  So, Clara.  How have things been going lately?
  Me:  ....
  Querent:  Anything new?  Anything you'd like to talk about?  How's [significant other's name]?  How are the two of you doing?
  Me:  Um.  You know.  Good.  Pretty good.  Things are happening. 

Arizona Ragtime Bible

Sometimes titles are that easy.  Arizona Ragtime Bible.  Band name?  Book title?  Short story?  Dance?  Or my journal from Mississippi through Arizona.  I've been re-reading it the last week or so.  There's a reason I keep them.  It's enlightening.  Sometimes when I sicken after the parts of the past I miss I forget why it was so important to move on in the first place.

Some of it I can't confront yet.  Not even in eternal light and green heaven.  Nope.

• breathing
• Forrest yoga
• teaching classes?!  What?!  Soon.
• Magdalena
• Toshiro-to-be
• water water water everywhere
• the creek behind the house
• editing music
• 1970s movies
• movies set in the 1970s
• lepus grazing outside the laundry room for hours
• black cat
• Carla Gugino chutzpah
• Rosario Dawson's eyes
• biking 'round Narnia on the Dawn Treader
• Skryim soundtrack <3
• psychedelic hoops
• Romance & Cigarettes
  

in this gypsy drought

If I wasn't so dependent could I ask for more?
If I weren't so dependent would I ask for more?
If I weren't so tired would I accomplish more?
If I were more intentional with my memory loss would I be happier?
Can I tread this ground between feeling neglected and being the one who neglects?
If I bought the flowers myself would I Mrs. Dalloway or would I be more understanding?
Does this Calcifer represent desire, or do I desire it?
What is the nature of desire?
What is the nature of comfort?
Are these things mutually exclusive?
What is the nature of loneliness - malign or benign?
Do we need to go into the woods again?
Why have I never believed what people have told me about myself?