If I Don't Do It Someone Else For Sure Will. Right? RIGHT?

People like to say that "it's a bit of a desert up here!" for things like: lawyers, healthcare specialists, and mental health. There are reasons for that, I'm sure. And they range from extremely hard (some would say prohibitively so) requirements to get certified in the aforementioned to there just not being the fucking business hours in place. I'm trying to get my shit together to see a psych again, and while the neuropsych and I eventually got on the same page* I have yet to find a psychiatric counseling service that will see me outside of Normal Business Hours so like, if I'm working I...don't get to be mentally healthy, I guess? Look, I get that there is probably someone out there who has the availability I'm looking for, but it's a lot gate-keep-y. That's all I'm saying. No, wait, I'm also saying it's not really all that surprising that people turn to AI for therapy. Which I haven't done thus far, and probably won't, because maybe I can use the Omaha student counseling if I get up at, like, 5:00 AM my time. If they have availability. Jesuslambofgod****.

So a week ago standard earth time my Fieldwork Educator 2 (heretoafter to be referred to as FWE2) didn't do their sessions because they were getting married, so I drove to Palmer to shadow someone who is a PT and does pediatric pelvic floor-type things. "But wait, Clara," you might say, "Those things don't go together!" But they do, actually, because of things like toileting. There were lots of models of pelvic muscles and the main takeaway is that there are quite a few of those and one in particular is looped around other anatomical structures like a chump and can get all looped up and tight and in addition to that all of them can get tight and if there's constipation that can mean that the stool just can't get passed due to being too hard. Also: abdominal muscles and your serratus anterior play a big role in pushing fecal matter out so if there's some brain-body breakdown there or even just plain ol' weakness a kid might have a harder time pushing. You know, the good old valsalva maneuver. Anyway I learned that if a kid exhales and their ribcage doesn't pull down and in there's likely some upper abdominal weakness, so it might be good to work on that re: toileting. I also learned that they've changed the "I Love You" abdominal massage technique since last I checked, so here you go. The business starts at 1:24. You can also palpate the iliocecal sphincter and give that a gentle massage to get things going. Otherwise it is, yes, mostly fiber and water intake. And I learned that I am correct in being suspicious that internal rotators over-firing are somewhat related to toileting problems. And if your perineal muscles are always firing they have a hard time relaxing so you need to fatigue them by squeezing them until you have to relax them. Which is somewhat counterintuitive. But.

This week I observed a session in fancy house in a somewhat fancy part of town. The lady of the house had been volunteering at VBS earlier in the day and I thought was maybe a glass in on something? I don't know why I thought that. But it just...seemed like it? Immaculate house. A skillion Amazon packages coming to the door. VBS. Wine (?)

Okay. *sigh* Nothing is really wrong - it's even sunny again today! But I am having a hard time with Friday night, and nothing is really right. Hope the weather is not being a butt today!

*Yes, I am trying to schedule. No, I understand you can't schedule because you don't have the schedule out now and you will contact me when you are ready, it's just that I need to tell you the windows I have just in case it's interesting or necessary in the future when you are ready to schedule and it's sunny and I have motivation now and I would like to tell you before I lose motivation which is extremely likely to have happened by the time you call me back to schedule and we're playing answering machine** tag lol. So: December. It's December. Wewt w00t***.

**Dating myself. Not like that! I don't buy myself flowers. Flowers: ew.

***I am the cringe, children!

****Update: nope! I don't get to use it unless I live in Nebraska or Arizona. Mother. Fucker. ...okay. As you were.

Christ Alive It's Only June *Thousand-Yard Stare*

All my nostalgia-tinted childhood stories are finally coming in handy for OT sessions. One OT I'm shadowing uses the Antecedent-Behavior-Consequence (ABC) model, but calls it the Action-Behavior-Consequence mode in large part because I think it's easier for kids to comprehend it. Although...action is something I think of as something you do not something that happens to you but I'm not fixing to yuck your yum. So far I've used The One Where My Brother Shot an Arrow at Me (Like, a Real One With a Real Bow)* and the adult story where a puppy showed up at our door. Ones I'm considering using in future are:

- The One Where We Rode Our Bikes Toward Town From the Country and Freaked Our Parents Out
- The One Where I Wouldn't Fucking Stop Riding Goats and That's How I Broke My Arm
- The One Where a Kid We Knew Fell In the Pond and Couldn't Swim and I Ran Clear Across the Pasture .25 Miles to Get the Parents
- The One Where I Punched My Brother In the Nose Because My Godfather Told Me To

I'm sure others will come to me as we go. Most of them don't apply to the specific situations - but the above do. I think.

Every so often I'll be minding my business, driving my car, doing the dishes, folding laundry and thinking of nothing in particular (dangerous!) when - BAM: the chorus of "Good Lives" by Eve 6 will blindside me. Ugh.

I'm starting to see the t-rex arm and autism eyes everywhere I go, most of all in myself.  ...but I wonder if the questionnaire could include more "Did you force your childhood friends to reenact the same scene from Star Trek several times in which nothing exciting was going on at all? Or are you neurotypical?" In retrospect, my great-grandmother was for sure autistic. Her strategy when I knew her was to clutch a crumpled tissue in her non-dominant hand at all times to disguise the t-rex arm.

Every time I drive toward Eagle River (there are eagles; there is a river), I pass by an Arby's that has had the same sign up for over two years now: NT management needed. I always autocorrect that to "neurotypical". Neurotypical management needed! Get out of here with your neurodiverse selves! We don't like your type 'round here.

I would like to compare and contrast the two versions of Annie I currently have access to and watch waaaaaaaaay often because L loves her some spunky orphans:

• Annie (2014): It's fine. Not great, but fine. Everybody does a fairly good job and I do like the fake-out in the beginning when you think there's going to be one Annie but lol no you're wrong! Jamie Foxx doesn't do it for me as Daddy Warbucks; he doesn't really commit to the role in the sense that he doesn't shave his head. There's a nod to this later in the movie, but just...c'mon man. Shave your head or give the role to Samuel L. Jackson. Now that I want to see! Cameron Diaz does a decent job, but I never wanted to hear "Little Girls" reimagined as an early 2000s pop song and now, having heard it, I still don't. Also, it seems like she wanted to pay tribute to Carol Burnett but the producers failed to tell her that this wouldn't really make sense with the way the role is reimagined. Oh. Rose Byrne plays Grace and there has been the role of a random sleazy campaign manager added to the movie for no reason. Except! Perhaps the reason is that irl the actor is married to Rose Byrne and she talked the movie people into casting him so they could have a nice vacation in New York after shooting. Quvenzhane does a good job and carries the film if I'm honest. Hm. What else. They cut several songs and completely did away with the conceit of the fake parents being related to Ms. Hannigan which...I liked that! I never wanted her to be a decent human! Redemption? Ew. No thank you!
• Annie (1982): The one where L has historically said, "If I'm moving around and dancing, it's because this Annie makes me feel like dancing and I can't help it!" The best I've seen so far? But it's also, like, kind of a Specific Thing. Like, if you don't appreciate a 20s aesthetic you probably aren't going to appreciate this. Everyone knocks it out of the park in the sense that you can tell pretty much everyone who was cast cut their teeth on Broadway (or The West End, in Tim Curry's case ig?) and Carol Burnett is a national treasure so she can do whatever she likes. I remember watching it when I was 11 and wondering why the Grace character was so badass (the dance! The voice! The stage presence!) and then moving on with my life. It turns out she was so badass because she was played by fucking Ann Reinking, Bob Fosse's muse of stage and screen. So. That's why. I enjoy how they cast Tim Curry and Bernadette Peters as Ms. Hannigan's brother and (his) love interest. The only part I'm "meh" about is where they insert an excerpt of Camille to illustrate...something? Unclear. The pacing is reminiscent of a zany 1920s/30s screwball comedy which I'm always here for, and there are multiple references to The Depression and the weird dichotomy where Daddy Warbucks is as capitalist as they come while FDR is trying to get his New Deal stuff going. It would almost make sense to reimagine the concept during the time frame in which the 2014 version was set if they'd just pushed the recession aspect a little bit more? But idk. I can have some rigid thinking around film and casting (see my teen obsession with making Wheel of Time cast lists and being outraged that Andrea Parker was not cast in that one remake of The Avengers. Uma who?). But I also think that there should/could be a stage version set in Alaska (or Your Town USA! The trauma of colonialism is everywhere, baybee!) at the turn of the 19th/20th century in a boarding school. Some parts/songs rewritten, cast appropriately, but the broad strokes being the same. I think it could be an interesting concept and illustrate the point of oppressor/oppressed in a novel way. But! There is the question of why the fuck did someone decide Little Orphan Annie was a good idea in the first place? Was it the fantasy that is you're Good Enough, someone In Power will eventually See It and Fix Your Life For You? It doesn't appear that Annie started her journey in the Depression. 1924 is smack in the middle of the roaring 20s, which gels more with the inherent optimism of "Tomorrow". But I'm going to put this rabbit-hole down for reason of needing to do other things.

On drives to-and-from Eagle River, Chugiak, and Palmer a part of my brain has decided that it's time I learn all the words to "Dance Ten; Looks Three" from A Chorus Line to eventually probably perform at a burlesque show. It's a good time. And a compulsion!

Speaking of compulsions, there's this compulsion to fit as much outdoorsy nonsense into Alaska Summer weekends as possible. It's rainy and gross here, but it's supposed to shape up by the weekend so...camping? Last weekend was also rainy and gross, but that didn't stop us from hiking Thunderbird Falls again! 

Rose Bud Thorn

So there's this mental health (?) exercise I'd never heard of before today called "Rose, Bud, Thorn". The idea is that the thorn is something that fucks you up a little, the rose something positive, and the bud something that you're looking forward to. It's a nice exercise, and Ima stick it in my back pocket, for sure. But bestie, I had a hard time coming up with something for any of it.

The Children on my soon-to-be-caseload have talked about the Titanic at least three times these past two weeks. What does it portend? Watch out for icebergs! ...I guess!

It's S's 90 days celebration today, so we're going to go over after the meeting to do a firepit with friends. I will have to skate around 8:30 because I got shit to do tomorrow, etc. but I'm sure it will be nice.

My parents have started getting a little feistier than usual this week; I don't think my mom really wants to be in charge of pickup/dropoff for summer school. She was asking who does the cooking at my house recently. Idk, P. Nobody? She asked "Whatever happened to family dinner?" and that's a fair question (it was something I was complaining about at one point), but it just...doesn't matter right now.

If it's between making a family dinner generating extra dishes thus adding another coordination element, and everyone being fed as well as completing homework with L and my own homework...I just don't know. The choice seems obvious. Besides, if S is going to meetings at night it doesn't make all that much sense to coordinate a different dinner time for several different nights of the week. I don't know. I just don't want to, I guess? Maybe that's all that matters.

I got coffee with K this past weekend at the close-by coffee shop which was nice...except for that she seemingly summoned her estranged mother to the coffee shop by the mere mention of her in the coordination texts. Woof was that awkward. What is the playbook for that? I wish I'd kept my copy of Emily Post. I'm pretty sure she would know exactly what to do. And...what? Carry it around with me just in case? Why - yes! We retreated to her house to finish the visit. It was good to catch up and that's all I do, honestly. Just catch up. Like this:

Except - I never do. I really really want a tattoo of this someday.

Okay, time to document some more (it's the only way I generate hours, quite frankly) then to Raising Cane and a fire-pit.

May all your midsummers be bright!

It works until it doesn't. Then - whoa, Nellie!

L finally lost her first top front tooth at school on the last day of school. She also informed me that she must leave it in a glass of water and that when she woke up the tooth would be gone but the water would be colored to prove the tooth fairy had been there. This new mythos courtesy of a sleep story that was in rotation for a while. However, she ended up opting to put it under pillow instead which also me at that I ended up scrabbling around under her pillow trying to find it at way too early in the morning. And I think she saw me? But it also doesn’t seem like she’s super…connected to the tooth fairy, if that makes sense? She cares not for money or drama so I don’t know if she’s so much mourning the loss of this narrative as just bummed that she lost the tooth. And this last part I think because it happened on the last day of school and it’s starting to sink in that THIS was going to be IT.

The constant smell of cookouts in the air and the distant sound of reggae mean summer to me now. The Close Park is still being closely monitored by Youths to the best of my knowledge so we made the trek across the bridge half a mile away to go to one of the other three that are close to us. There are people playing tennis, a scant two spray paint tags, and other seven-year-olds so - the main complaints have come from children's parents by proxy and/or age-appropriate weapons and social concerns. What does that mean? A little girl she just met telling L, "My dad doesn't like it when you pull on my body." ...which is something L's older friend Li brought up at one point too. Specifically Li's dad. Specifically L pulling on Li. And another was a little boy playing with them aiming an orange nerf pistol at L while she was winding up to hit a birdie over a net. She asked him to stop, and while I'm not totally clear on if he did or not (and he probably wasn't clear on that either) she then brandished her racket at him, winding up with it held behind her back as if she was about to hit him. She didn't, but I get it. It was threatening. He said, "I'm going to tell your mom!" and started marching across the field to me. I started marching across the field to him and, calmly but with an edge, affirmed his concerns, let him know that it wasn't okay for her to do that and it's important for him to not aim guns at people. I was kind of on preschool teacher autopilot so hopefully it hit, but who knows? Then I did basically the same thing with her and she cried and the person she was playing badminton with sort of tried to defend it with, "Well, he was being mean to us the whole time." Uh...that's cap, probably? But even if so I tried to pivot it to to, "Well, ask an adult for help then." I don't know, bruh. Nobody's completely right, nobody's completely wrong, and if we pull gender into it I guess I feel kind of like extrapolating that AMABs maybe feel more comfortable asserting dominance in increasingly sophisticated ways ("Ima tell your mother!") while AFABs maybe feel more comfortable trying to solve the problem for themselves. But this is barely a case study. So maybe I'll stop going off about it.

I don't know really what I think about the pulling on other peoples' bodies thing yet. I gather that she's sensory seeking and low registration with sensory avoidance for specific sensations (sound, mostly), and pathological demand avoidance (PDA). Well, maybe just pathological with me, but still. I'd bet dollars to donuts that she masks like a motherfucker all day at school and then has to kind of let it all out at home which means nothing gets done. And wow! Much relatability! For me anyway. That's no way to live, however. There's the piece where I was like that as a kid too (I think?) but I had a sibling to work it out with who was also all those things x10 and in comparison I probably didn't seem all that sensory seeking, etc. Plus I had this temperament my genes plus being born in the 80s saddled me with. So. Yes. Note to self: hockey, rugby, social stories, heavy work, scaffold at home, and rehearse before going to playgrounds. I'll uh...talk about the parts of me that are super-duper worried about what other people think of her/me another time because that certainly is a factor and I am very ashamed of that part of myself but just ignoring doesn't do anybody any good. Least of all L. *ahem*

Hey! I'm on fieldwork, remember? The kid I was to plan an intervention for yesterday morning cancelled so now my main concern for this rotation has become GETTING ENOUGH HOURS. Ya girl will need to do a detailed research project or something for real!

Last week I got to shadow for an evaluation at a preschool and I had some Feelings about that. Some of the feelings were concern that we were not taking into account the classroom environment or schedule or, indeed, talking to teachers about The Things. But I can hope that the OT I was shadowing did that at a later time…right? I have some strong opinions about daycare settings and OT. Come at me if you dare!

Last week I also successfully wore makeup for five days in a row. I’ve always wanted to be the type of person who wears makeup for work and maybe THIS TIME I’ll get it together? I’ve been trying to pack it gym bags that I prepare by day and line up on hooks and everything!

But actually? Probably not, fam. 

I don't want to hear it, see it, or say it. Smelling is fine. So is tasting!

The day before yesterday was awash with sunshine for L's birthday party and it was just - fine! For the first time in the past 4-5 years her birthday party was absolutely just nice. S picked up the cake and a pinata because he was worried that the Squishmallow one I was working on wouldn't be done in time (...eh; it was and it wasn't. Pinatas exist to be smashed, I say. It's okay if they look a little...wack. Which this one did. But was giving Squishmallow! And that's all I ask for.) which I handled with no meltdowns and he explained himself just fine and all of that was - fine! Highly recommend renting out a municipal park for parties. 

The most awkward things that happened were a lady who sidled up the tables and started to unpack her Carr's bags and a couple of party-unaffiliated kids who wanted cupcakes. I told the lady that we'd probably be out by 1:00 but had the pavilion rented until 3:00. She reacted better than I would have expected if I'd stopped to think about it (which I didn't because Party Mode was activated) and set up on the...ground nearby? And started grilling on a tiny Coleman grill? And then just never shifted back over the the pavilion when we cleaned up? I feel kind of like a jerk (maybe I am!) but also maybe she was just waiting to see who would call her on moving in. Me, I guess. 

The kids - dude. We had 70 cupcakes or something so they were totally welcome to that but I have a thing where if you want a cupcake come ask me, but no you can't scamper off with two cupcakes because a) you are one hundred percent going to drop that shit somewhere in the park and just leave it on the ground and come back asking for more cupcakes (which, again, we have more than enough cupcakes but it's the future possible littering for me) and b) you gotta have your sibling who wants a cupcake come up and ask me because I need to know that they're verbal enough to do it so I don't have to mess with talking to your grownups about whether it's okay or not for them to have a cupcake and that's not even getting into the whole allergies piece. Like, I just...really, really want that to be your conversation with your grownups and not my conversation with your grownups, does that make sense? It's okay if it doesn't, just - look. It supports your development of autonomy and following multi-step directions, a'ight? Also, listen: just send your brother over. If he wants a cupcake he can come and get it, okay? End of.

All of that to say: yesterday was rainy and a little bit chilly so I am drank tea and had a mini Lilo and Stitch marathon with L while waiting for S to get back from a lunch with a former boss. We went on an almost-hike later in the afternoon, and Had Words about the bike ride L went on with my dad the day of her party. Suffice it to say that he's not a very...uh...active listener and is especially likely to tune me out and in this case he tuned me out when I said "It's not a good idea to go to the park right now." and offered two-to-three reasons why. S is quite upset with my dad now because of all the reasons I've outlined in previous entries while I am more in Not Happy But Not Surprised Territory because I've known my parents for a minute now, and, yup, that tracks. They pulled the booster seat from their car a year or two ago and I don't think that's a great idea. Do I push back, though? No, I don't. Maybe I should. Maybe that's the takeaway. Anyway S is cooling down currently and will probably Talk to My Dad about it at some point soon. S and I talked last night about how I think it's probably best to just reiterate his experiences with the youths (standing on corners, snappin' their fingers - haha no they're not) and making it much clearer than I (probably) did, and also words coming out of a man's mouth likely mean more to other men of A Certain Age than uh...mine. So.

I went to the gym to get my cardio for the week in. Research as early as the 90s shows that lifting weights supports increased bone density and that physical exercise might improve cognition overall as per biomarkers in cerebrospinal fluid (but not short-term memory; womp-womp). NEVERTHELESS. Off I went and finished up Etoile and Four Seasons. 

I've been plugging away at cleaning and organizing (thanks, bupropion!) whilst listening to podcasts. So far (week 1/12) this rotation has been such that I haven't needed to do a whole lot of work at home yet which is nice and has meant I get to chase the Spring Cleaning Dragon. Ergo: podcasts, not lectures or research articles on read-aloud. 

Media list incoming:

• Fancy as F*ck! A Sweet Cheeks podcast* (the one about listener questions)
• Criminal (the one about 50s gameshows which I'm a wh*re for 50s gameshows) 
• That's Spooky (I always seem to land on the weekly hangout ones)
• Shootin' the Shit (which is new to me but hasn't aired a new episode since February which oh mah gawd, did these Cape Breton drag queens actually have a falling out? But I'm loving it so far because I love me a drag queen and, I'm learning, I love a Southeast Canadian accent)

Oh! Guess what? For pride month they're screening Chasing Amy and To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar on the same night at the Bear Tooth. That might...uh...that might be a need to get a babysitter for moment. Or, you know, just go with a fran'. Or two? One for each movie?

Okay, that's it for now. Have a fair-to-excellent Memorial Day. And don't let anyone force you to memorialize things you don't want to! You're an adult, dammit (unless you're not, I guess), and you make the calls!

*Does it still count as para-social if I also know the people in real life? Sincere question. I'm leaning towards yes.

I see what you're doing there (...coding. It's coding.)

There are two white Scottish terriers outside the doors of this Starbucks. They're quiet and alert and staring at all the cars going by. I don't know if their owner is somewhere outside or what. Gotta love the twin energy, though! 

I've been sifting through past entries recently. I do this periodically, because I can't remember shit. Sometimes is not always, and now is not same as it ever was, but by golly it sure does feel like it. Incessantly. Hm. Okay. 

...and now I'm to the point in my parking lot document where I stuck Ne. Do I even want to do this? No? There won't be a better time later? Okay. So, something happened in college that just about wrecked me. A lot of things did, but I've been carrying this particular thing with me as a Big Bad Thing I did when I was...eighteen maybe? Or maybe 19. I was going to outline exactly what it was, but upon reflection maybe not. Suffice it to say, it was dumb, it was bad, it did hurt people, and it was like a plot point from teen melodramas of the day. And I felt horrible and evil. I also don't think I took full responsibility for it at the time, but I did blame myself and I did feel...horrible and evil. And it really wasn't until earlier this year (20-ish years later) that it at all occurred to me that maybe it wasn't 100% my fault. While it wasn't great to let Ne into my bedroom in the first place due to some nonsense shenanigans that he was always on about, it truly didn't occur to me that this would ensue in What Happened. So, late-teens Clara: it wasn't completely your fault. Yes, it was 50% your fault. And you should have Done More Shit to Stop It. But guess what? At no point anywhere in your life up to that point did you have any experience in setting healthy boundaries in any context. And you're still not great at it now, age 38. I'm not saying cut yourself some slack exactly, but I am saying that it makes sense why it happened. And it could have been predatory. It was more likely just dumb kid shit, but still. And if I saw it happen to/with one of my younger coworkers I wouldn't really think all that much less of them. I would just be like, hm. There were reasons and there's work to do. It would have served you (Clara) better to have gotten to work on reparations and boundary work than emotionally cutting and avoiding accountability.

"What's new, boo?" you might say (if you called me boo - which you don't; no-one does), and I might give you stock response about "Oh, I started fieldwork and that's going fine." "How do you like the setting?" you might pry further. "It's fine! I could see doing it." I'd mumble. And then you'd be a little frustrated because that's no way to have a conversation! And you'd be so right. I'm still settling in, I guess? And I'm not hyper-excited, except when I'm actually in sessions. I kind of just...want to do the thing? Not talk about how it is to be doing the thing with members of my family. Which likely means that's exactly what I need to do. But I'm not. (Yet.) But I will. But I'm not.

I have been foisted off on a therapist who has Her Own Stuff Going On this Wednesday, and that's fine! It's the reason why I'm writing a blog entry at 11:46 instead of driving about having conversations about OT theory. (Oh, yeah. MoPs and FoRs I should ask about those, but I never do.) I like it! I like the kids. I'm just a little antsy. Maybe I'm doing my IIB feels early. We got told in no uncertain terms that we'd probably have menty b's during IIB and clinical practice b's during the IIA. 

BUT ANYWAY. Let's talk about tarot. Not writ large, just in my little world. A card I pulled a few times when considering whether to just file for divorce already, how it would impact my kid, etc. was the 8 of Cups. It looks like the below:

This classically means moving on, leaving a situation behind, and fits pretty well with the "Dump him, girl!" narrative. Which I did do (sort of), and moved through to the current situation in which S is currently back in the family this, in large part, because he has gotten sober. One tableau I pulled cards for this question was The Moon, another card which escapes my memory and I'm not going to look it up right now because I have one more thing to do before the next two appointments, and the 8 of Cups. Someone on the reddit tarot channel commented that it looked like myself and my husband on either side with our child caught between us. Well, the reason I bring it up is because I pulled the 8 of cups on Saturday and on that day I went to an AA meeting with S. We were leaving the meeting and I realized that perhaps the meaning of this card in my situation is leaving a very literal representation of...cups of alcohol. Leaving alcohol behind. 

Speaking of woo, it was only recently that I discovered that even though my sun sign is in Virgo, my moon is in Gemini, and my Venus is in Libra (my mars is in Capricorn, but nobody seems to care about that in the astrology world). This is all hokum, probably, but one alleged thing about people with their moon in Gemini is that they can see lots of different sides of lots of different issues and other people don't tend to like this very much. Which: can confirm is true for me, personally.

How are the parks in your city? The ones in Anchorage are mostly fine except for the one nearest my house. I think I've written about this before, but it has become overrun with middle schoolers/young teens. On the one hand this is fine and on the other hand they have begun swearing extremely loudly at each other like they're auditioning for a walk-on role in a Kevin Smith film, and monopolizing the playground equipment and when asked to stop becoming increasingly threatening. S posted on the Nextdoor app calling for solidarity and when a local mom with three children tried to follow through by asking them to stop three of them threatened her and started following her down the path leading from the park to the neighborhood. She felt unsafe enough that she called the police. Who came...but refused to involve their parents. She took a picture of them which she sent to S when he asked. On that same day we'd tried to go to the park and made it a grand total of 5 minutes before two of the three hunkered down on the swings by L and started discussing dildos in a loud (uninformed) way. We just left. My instinct is to be like, "Time and place - this isn't it. And you sound ridiculous! Castle is halfway across town. And you'd definitely need a lubricant. Amateurs." ...and is that helpful? Probably - no. And then S tried to go talk to them on his own (because sometimes youths react better if they hear it from a man; misogyny! Alive and well!) and that went actually much worse and now we're at a total loss. By which I mean I'm probably going to go the witchcraft route. My only other thought is to call the police every time and hope that it's so often that they get sick of it and follow through. However, my experience at a high-incidence Siren is such that I think they'll probably just stop sending officers and say things like, "You've reached your yearly limit on police calls." Which...that can't be a real thing, can it? The operators are just making shit up, right? Lordt.

Today is the last day of school in the Anchorage School District. And wow will I ever not miss the power struggles that go with dropping L off in the morning at Current Optional School! Phew. I'm excited for exciting, new power struggles!

Unrelated: I think I'm getting the nausea side-effect from Wellbutrin (cry-laughing emoji). Oh well. Gotta be something, right? 

What good are you? Sincere, non-sarcastic question.

Why has there been no new data collected on racial and socioeconomic disparities in the occurrence of cerebral palsy since 2011? Get on that, someone. At first I thought it was just because: The Census, but unless we just assume things are wack because of COVID (not a bad assumption), that implies there would be data for 2021. Unless that doesn't release until a certain number of years? Like public records? The only reason I know that is because my mom is super-into genealogy and has been since my childhood. I swear!

...and a belated: thank goodness, Canada. Thank. Goodness. There's still potential for the new PM to be a super-villain but he seems less super-villainous (villainy?) than the alternative. Heh. Sort of related is that fewer and fewer people seem to be saying the Pledge to Allegiance at the start of school lately. Hmmmmm. Sometimes concerns are founded, aren't they?

My favorite (internal) swear has been and continues to be "Christ alive!" I like that it's an injunction, an exclamation, and sort of blasphemous all at once. "Zounds!" would be another good one, if I ever remembered to use it. Etymology, although I kind of think you already know. Also, "Strewth!" which is giving not only Shakespeare, but also Oz. I watched part of the short documentary on the time during COVID in which quarantined Shakespearean actors coordinated a full-length production of Hamlet in Grand Theft Auto. It was amazing how...calming Shakespeare is? So does creep this petty pace from day to day, fuck yeah. Plus there's this slight connection between Hamlet specifically and Star Trek: TOS which I like to think about sometimes, which makes it double-soothing. The only leadership training i ever want to take again is one where you have to simulate being an officer on the starship Enterprise, because that's where the rubber really meets the road, homie.

I do often feel kind of...burnt out on Anchorage? But I do truly love coming home. And there are little glimmers that remind me of why I fell in love with Alaska in the first place. And it's not just the mountain vistas, heart-stopping beauty, and lack of 90+ degree Fahrenheit weather. I was minding my own business in the locker room when someone complimented my Totoro shirt. This turned into a brief conversation about the virtues of different Studio Ghibli films and how our parents didn't understand why we'd ever let our children watching Something Like That. Also that The Boy and the Heron soundtrack is lit. That's My Alaska! ...it's the little things.

More Alaska is a Small Town:

• A parent at Optional School spotting the name on L's jacket and identifying it as belonging to the person we got it from as a hand-me-down. Then contacting the person, realizing it belonged to L, and both of us getting excited that we know the same awesome person.
• Identifying a potential site for my capstone next Spring and only knowing about it because I'm Facebook friends with someone who underwent a radical life change, but who I know from teaching them adult dance classes, and going to a murder mystery party 🤷
• Running into someone else in the locker room (twice!) who used to be one of my (adult, early childhood program) students when I worked at the preschool. She's an interesting person, and remembered me but not my name. She said she had some pictures from that time and attempted to email them but didn't attach them to the email, which is kind of in-line with how it was having her as a student. And is kind of in line with what it's like having me as a student! It just be like that sometimes.

I took my parents to see Dial M for Murder (the stage play) at Cyrano's for Mother's Day. I kind of thought it would just be me and my mom but my dad invited himself along, so it was the three of us. The program said it was "updated for modern audiences" and whenever I see that I automatically assume that means lesbians. Guess what? It did! Which is great and it was cast well and I loved it, and it was a little awkward seeing it with my parents. But probably also good for them. But yes. The production was great. The acting was very good, accents were curated with an accent coach and it showed, and the set and wardrobe was amazing. Highly recommend if you're suddenly into live theater - which, apparently, I am.

Volunteering at the Parkinson's boxing class has been interesting if not probably exactly the right fit. The classes themselves are fun (I've never tried boxing before and I'm crap at it!), the people are nice, and it's interesting to see the application of exercise and cognition together. This involves things like conversation-starters and Space-Invader mechanism games on recumbent bikes (did you know how fucking hard those games are? Very.). Some snippets so far:

• Do you play any video games at home? "No, those are for kids." Okay, what games do your kids play. "It's the grandkids. They play, like, War of the Worlds." World of Warcraft? "Yes. No." Do you play any board games? "No." What do you like to do at home. "I watch movies." Oh! What movies do you watch? "...." Which I'm afraid I assume to mean that he means Fox News, not movies. Please prove me wrong, guy. Plus, life's a game. And a show. And, occasionally, a gameshow. Get into it!
•  One conversation starter was "What's the best food in the world?" which most of the other participants interpreted as types of cuisine and I interpreted as A Food. So I said, "Malasadas." because I have those on the brain lately. One of the ladies in the group got excited and asked me, "Are you Portuguese? I am!" Unfortunately, no. But I also didn't realize that malasadas are historically Portuguese. Learning!
• There was also the little old lady who angrily stomped around the workout session with her cane, and when I spoke with her said she was 82 and hated working out. She gestured at her husband and said, "He's 94. He drives me around all day and makes me do things! I hate it!" But she did seem a little perkier after her workout, and I would be a little salty too if I were 82 with several painful surgeries under my belt. Scar tissue ain't no joke, yo.

I've been thinking about this song lately. I listened to this entire album a lot in 2012-2013. All the songs are kind of downers but...in a legitimate way. Relatable to me, anyway. My favorite line is:
    "There's big ceremonies, things that go fast

      You're cheer is such a treasure

      Your tears are like the weather

      They're never meant to last."

I love that L, at age 6 nearly 7 still loves worms. I was digging in the garden yesterday and found a bunch which she scooped up and ran to re-home in her Barbie dream house. Which is outside because she painted it black last year and I am That Mom in the sense that, what is it harming? It's not going to be mint condition forever that's not my vibe. Don't worry, I had her put the worms back in dirt before she checked out for the evening. They're fine!

Okay. That clears out my parking lot document for now. I feel like I must do a few more things before schlepping back to downtown to volunteer at Field Day, so - abrupt goodbye!